Back to Finland

Huh. Came back from Cambridge last night, I don't really know if I'm happy or sad to be back in Finland.

The interview(s) went fine, or at least I think so. It's pretty hard to tell because you never know what the interviewers are expecting. But I'm so relieved that now the whole process is over, I just have to wait until January to hear if I get an offer. If I don't, well, I guess I'm off to Warwick University then since I already have an offer from there. Though of course Cambridge is and will always be my first choice, I'd be ecstatic if I got an offer...

I have to say I absolutely loved Cambridge as a city. It was so cute and simply British. I love big cities such as London but as a place to study, Cambridge is ideal. The city centre was just the right size and London is a train ride away. I might add some photos if I have the time to upload them.

When I got back home yesterday, my best friend was here waiting for me. She just moved back to Finland and I hadn't seen her for 11 months so I was really looking forward to returning to Finland myself. When I opened the door and she was there squeezing the life out of me, I just felt... complete. It was like everything was falling to place because I've missed her so much. If soulmates exist, I'm pretty sure I've found mine in her.

To be honest, I haven't felt this happy in a long time. My life's nearly perfect, I have almost everything a girl can hope for. Of course I'm still fat and broke and don't have a boyfriend but those are all pretty small things compared to the fact that I feel happy. I got my best friend back and I have an amazing future ahead of me, everything else will follow in its due course.

Oh and I'm really looking forward to christmas holidays. It's going to be sooo relaxing, no worrying about school or anything else, just hanging out with the ones I love the most <3>

that little something

”It’s decent, but it’s not brilliant.”

That’s what my teacher said about my essay. Or actually, a collection of essays/commentaries. He said they were all lacking that something, that little something that distinguishes 7 from 5-6 (in IB 7 is the best grade you can get). I have to admit that I was at first a bit shocked, then devastated, then disappointed. I had always thought those essays were good and I was especially happy with the latest one. But apparently it just wasn’t enough.

I know I shouldn’t take it so seriously but I’m sending that latest essay to Cambridge. They don’t want decent, they want brilliant. They don’t want above average, they want the best. What if I can’t be the best, no matter how hard I try? I know it’s impossible to always be perfect but I truly thought that economics was something I was exceptionally good at. And now I find out that I’m “decent”.

I’m feeling so low at the moment. It’s like nothing I do is enough, will never be enough. There will always be someone who has that extra ‘something’ that I don’t. So what’s left? Will I be stuck as the second best for the rest of my life?

I really should start taking studies more seriously. I got an invitation to an interview at Cambridge, if they make me an offer I want to be worth it. It would suck so bad to get an offer and then not being able to meet the requirements. It’s just… Well, I want it SO bad. Oxbridge has been my dream for God knows how long, at least 5 years. Now I’m so close to getting there but also so close to screwing it up. And I don’t want to screw it up (d’uh).

I honestly don’t know what to do, how to get my life in order and everything under control. I’m at school for 8 hours every single day and most of the lessons are a complete waste of time. After school I do school work, go to the gym or to my friend’s place for a coffee. During the weekends I party and get wasted (and do nothing useful). I’m not getting anywhere right now and the stress is killing me. I don’t sleep, I drink tons of coffee, I skip school every now and then, I drink too much alcohol, eat the wrong things etc… You get the picture. Everything is just swirling in my head, a big confusing mess and I have no idea how to deal with it. I seriously need a break.

People say I’m too hard on myself but I disagree. What I want from myself is not unrealistic; other people want and expect it from me too. It’s really up to me whether I can fulfill all the expectations, whether I have it in me to push myself that one extra step. It’s just frustrating to know that I have all the potential in the world but sometimes it’s so hard to unlock it. And if I can’t unlock, I’ll be stuck at “decent” and “decent” students/people don’t get offers from Cambridge.

(Btw seems like all I ever do is complain. Maybe a change in attitude is in order, aye?)

normal vs. ideal

This is seriously getting out of hand again.

I talked to my friends a few days ago and they said they'd been really worried about me and my eating but that nowadays I'm seem so much better and looks like there's nothing to worry about. I should've been relieved and happy... Instead, I immediately started thinking: They think I eat like a normal person. They think I'm gaining weight. They think I'm fat. And maybe I AM. Maybe I'm fucking huge.

So I'm back to a strict diet. I don't want to be getting better, I don't want to eat like normal people do because the way they eat is fucking disgusting. Though I don't want my friends worrying about me either... It would be so much easier if they just kept their noses out of my life because really, the way I eat is none of their business.

What is it that makes KINDNESS such a turn off? If a guy is nice, cute and kind, why is it that we women automatically build up walls against them? Then we fall for players and cry when they hurt us, swearing “never again”.

If I wanted a safe and comfortable relationship, I could probably get it now. The Blonde (lets call him that because he was blond when I first met him) is a nice guy. We get along and he’s totally crazy about me… Some might call this a perfect situation. However, like always, there’s a BUT. This time it is that there are simply no sparks. When we kiss, I don’t feel a thing. When he holds my hand, it’s like holding your friend’s hand.

Another thing is that I think I like my freedom too much right now to even consider starting a real relationship. I love hanging out with the girls, spending the perfect single girl’s life. I don’t know what I really want. And do I really even need to know if I’m happy as it is?

The end of innocence

The Ex started talking to me yesterday on facebook. It was so random. We haven't talked in about 3 months and now it was suddenly like we were good friends or something! I know exactly what he wants and what he aims at but still it kinda caught me off guard.

I don't know what to think about him. I don't think I have any feelings for him anymore but if I see him and we have fun (like we always do), I might fall for him again. I know that it's a risk I definitely shouldn't take but part of me wants to. It's the old pattern once again... I get my ass kicked by other guys, what do I do? I go back to the Ex and get my ass kicked by him. Healthy? No.

I honestly don't know what it is that makes me go back to him time and time again. He's got charisma, that's for sure, and we have a long history but you'd think I'd learned something during the years I've spent with him. You'd think I knew by now that he's sooo not good for me. Maybe I want him because we're so alike. Selfish and shrewd, that's what we are. Plus, he's leaving in 6 months. I'm leaving in 7-8 months.


I remember when we first met. It was about 2 years ago, on my balcony at my house party. He slept over and we spent the whole night just talking and laughing. If I could go back in time, I would go back to that night and the weeks that followed it. I wouldn't get so attached to him and I wouldn't be so naive. Though then again, would it change anything? Would I just be left with one great experience less?

I have to say that I don't really regret the time I spent with him. I learned a lot, mainly about how love is not all sunshine and daisies. Maybe I became even too cynical, learning to build a wall around my heart so I wouldn't get hurt again. Even if I hadn't met him, I would probably have done the same mistakes with someone else. It would've taken more time but I would have grown up all the same.

I've never been known for being cautious or for thinking things through before doing something. That might be why... well, I might be seeing him on Saturday.

G'morning

Just a quick morning update, felt like writing something...

I had about 3 hours of sleep last night, went to bed around 2am and woke up at 5am. Yet I don't feel that tired. I've had 2 cups of coffee and a caffeine pill....

We had a week off school last week, the autumn holiday, and that went by way too fast. I did some school stuff but apart from that, I just slept and partied. Not exactly as relaxing a holiday as I would've liked but who cares, I had fun. I even did something I never thought I'd do. I tried speed... I know I said earlier that I won't touch anything harder than weed but shit happens. Luckily it was from the pharmacist, some ADD-medication. I took like one fourth of a pill, sniffed it like people usually sniff cocaine and the result was merely that I had waaaay too much energy. I think I fell asleep around 10am (and I was really exhausted before that, I'd just come back from a cruise and from there went straight to a bar).

It was neither a positive or a negative experience. I'm happy that I only took so little, otherwise I'd probably still be high :D I guess that was just something I had to try sooner or later, I'm glad I did it at home with a friend rather than in a bar with a stranger or something.

Otherwise there's not really much to tell about my life. I still party too much, still have absolutely no moral and so on. I just wish I could calm down. I've reached the point where I want something solid, something real, to hold on to. I want to get my life in order but I don't know where to start... During the week it's relatively easy with school and everything but during the weekends all hell breaks loose. I always have fun but really, for how long can I keep living like this? For how long can a person just drift through life like I do?

lose-lose situation

I bit the apple. I got a taste of the bliss of being in a relationship and have been doomed ever since.

I'm usually extremely emotionally stable. I have mood swings but only those closest to me even notice them. I don't fall in love. I rarely even have a crush. I don't do all that 'he broke my heart'-stuff. Yet, these past couple of weeks have been a real emotional rollercoaster. I think I started to get attached to the Guy. Seriously. I didn't fall head over heels in love but I got attached and I was really starting to like him. BUT of course he decided to get back together with his ugly bitch of a girlfriend.

I would so like to hate him now but I just can't. I understand why he chose her. I mean, he's known her for so much longer, they have a history. I'm new in his life and even though I think he finds me refreshing and somehow 'exotic', I don't think I'm really what he's looking for. Plus, I'm leaving in less than a year and he knows that. He's even bitched about it :D We still talk almost every day, though. I was even at his place this weekend and slept in his bed, in his arms. It sucks that I KNOW he has feelings for me but of course he can't do anything about them. For me, it's a lose-lose situation because if I continue spending so much time with him, I might fall for him. And I can't get him. But if I move on, I'll be alone and left with absolutely nothing. Is it better to hold on to a friendship, hoping it'll turn into something more, or move on and risk being alone?

He said to me once that I think too much. He was right. Once again I'm confusing myself, pondering things that I really have no control over. I hate that he affects me like this. I hate that I let myself get so attached to him but I guess that's just how life is. I have to quote a text message that my best friend once sent me when I was all depressed over how my ex treated me:
"I hate that he hurts u. cause hes not worth it. hes just one of those ppl u just fuck n thats it, but u got so attached to him... n its way too easy to do so. but hey, even us players we hav our weaknesses."

That's so true, my friend is a wise little girl. Maybe I should just go back to that 'sex without feelings'-thing. It was so easy. You got laid but never had to worry about all this exhausting emotional stuff. Though then again, I don't really want to go back. I guess I've grown up too much, it just doesn't feel the same anymore. I just wish I'd get my Guy and be able to spend happy 8 months with him before I leave Finland for good.

the Guy and my black eye

My weekend has so far been pretty wild… I was in Helsinki, we stayed in a hotel with this guy, met up with people we hadn’t met before, partied like hell and had an awesome time.

I don’t really know what to think about the Guy (I’ll call him that for now). He’s nice, funny, ok-looking and everything and last night we sort of had sex. Or rather tried to. It didn’t really work out because I hit my head to a lamp and now I have a black eye and a wound next to my left eye. It bled like crazy, the sheets were spotted with blood and the towels I used to stop the bleeding were a bloody mess!

I’m never drinking again because it seems that something always happens to me. Things just have a tendency of getting out of hand and I always end up injured one way or another. Lol, it sucks so bad.

But yeah, back to the Guy. We had so much fun and he told me he really liked me and all. I don’t know what to think about it. Am I ready for something serious? Am I ready to take the risks I talked about earlier? As you can see, I’m stuck pondering the same questions again and again. Now I feel like I want to give him a chance. It’s not every day that I find myself liking someone this much.

I’m just afraid that I’ll end up getting hurt. I’ve had such bad experiences with relationships that I’m almost 100% sure that something will go wrong and it won’t work out and I’ll be left with my heart broken (oh my god how sentimental I sound right now!) once again. But I guess the only way to find out is to take the risk and you never know, it might all turn out great.

I hate this waiting-part. Waiting for him to call/text, waiting for him to say something that might give me some idea of what he’s thinking… I know I should just call or text him myself but I have to admit: I’m a coward when it comes to this sort of stuff. One night stands, friendships, dealing with people I don’t like – a piece of cake. When I actually like someone, it’s so different because I’m not used to it. I’ve never been tamed, so to speak, so I don’t know how it happens.

I’m not even thinking about other guys right now. Usually I at least keep my eyes open and so forth but now I just think about him and it’s so weird.

But ok, enough about my love life. I’m just making it too complicated by thinking about it too much.

My eating has taken a turn for worse once again. I skip meals, make up excuses so I don’t have to eat, I panic if my calories go over 1300kcal. It’s sick, I know, and it shouldn’t be like that but I can’t help it. I can’t even say that I got too much time on my hands like I did during the summer. I’m really busy with everything but yet I always make time to calculate exactly what and how much I’ve eaten. My weight has dropped a bit which is great. I was even wearing this little “top” (or actually it’s more like a bra) yesterday and walking around in it and sweat pants because for once I felt like I can show off my stomach. The Guy was even stroking it this morning and I didn’t even mind or feel fat. Still I want and I need to lose some more weight.

Cambridge

My UCAS application to Cambridge, Warwick and Durham universities is leaving on the 15th October. I wrote my personal statement yesterday and sent it to my teacher today so that he can read it. I got my reference from my economics teacher today. It’s all slowly coming together and yesterday when I was writing the personal statement, I realized that I’m writing something that could change my life. The moment I’ve dreamt of for so long is finally here, I’m finally applying to Cambridge. It’s scary.

It’s kind of funny how you can dream about something for years, be absolutely sure that it is what you want to do. But then you get closer and closer to that dream of yours and suddenly find yourself having second thoughts. Is this really what I want? Will this make me happy? What do I want from my life? These questions have plagued me since yesterday and I can’t get rid of them.

I’ve been thinking about Finland, about finding a guy and settling down, going to a good Finnish university… It would be so much easier but I have the feeling that in the end it wouldn’t be enough. If I gave up now, I would definitely regret it for the rest of my life. It just sucks that I can’t afford to build a life here. I have less than a year left, if I fall in love or something, leaving would hurt like hell. It might even hinder me altogether from leaving, which would be the worst-case scenario.

I’m so confused. I’m now working on building my future and of course I want to be the best I can be, go to the best university and have the life I’ve always dreamt of. Yet I don’t know if it’ll be worth it. What if I end up all alone, with only a law degree from Cambridge and a great job? What if I’m never satisfied, what if I’ll always be searching for something? Is that the life I want?

I guess only time will tell where I’ll end up. Now I’m going to complete my application, study hard for the finals and then keep my fingers crossed. If I get in, great. If I don’t, I’ll take a gap year anyway so I’ll just apply again next year.

MEN !

Men.

Why is it that with men everything is always so goddamn complicated!

Right now there is guy1 who is in my class and he’s really smart, nice, funny etc, basically everything a girl can hope for. I guess we have something going on. We talk a lot, a few weeks ago we spent hours freezing our asses off outside, just talking about life and it was really nice. Yet I don’t think I like him in that way, you know. He’s more like a really good friend.

Then there’s guy2 who I talk to nearly every day as well. He’s also smart, nice etc, and I think I feel something for him. The problem is that he broke up with his girlfriend (or actually I don’t think she was an actual gf yet, they’d known each other for a few months or so) about a week ago, it’s way too soon for me to make any moves on him. We might be going to a trip together later this month though ;)

Then there is the Ex. I slept over at his last weekend but that was… well, pretty weird. I just didn’t feel like I used to and I think I might be finally realizing that he’s not that great. He’s a pathological liar and what was so exciting and new about him before is now losing its charm. He’s starting to feel boring. Which is really good, but somehow… I don’t know. I don’t know if I’m ready to let go. It’s been 2 years of on and off, it’s not normal anymore, is it? :D

On the outside there’s no problem but emotionally I feel really torn. I like guy1 a lot but I’m not sure if I’m interested in being anything more than friends. I like guy2 also a lot but then there’s his ex. I don’t know if I like my ‘the Ex’, I don’t know what to say to him when the next booty call comes. I don’t even know if I want a man in my life.

Argh, I’ve always thought that I’m sensible, simple and straightforward when it comes to all this emotional shit. Now I’m really confused, I’m not used to being confused and I’m not used to things getting too complicated. I know I’m in a way creating the problem myself but nevertheless there still IS a problem.

The truth is, as scary as it sounds, I might be ready for a real relationship.

random

First off, I got my driver’s license today! I’ll probably get a car next weekend if we find a suitable one.

Secondly, today I felt – for the first time in months – that life is not that complicated after all. I mean, life’s what you make it and what you want it to be. There’s nothing I can’t do if I really want it enough. I’ve been stressing about school, driving school, finals, looks, weight, my leg, relationships etc etc… but is it really worth it?

No. It isn’t. And I decided to stop this pointless stressing. Of course, a certain amount of stress can be a positive thing but too much is too much. From now on I’m going to just ‘go with the flow’, enjoy life as it is because, really, my life isn’t half bad. I have (almost) everything a girl can want and what I don’t have (like the perfect body) – well, with some hard work, everything is possible.

So people, stop worrying so much and live in the moment (omg I’m turning into a total hippie)

Oh yeah and hope you like the pic. That's definitely my kinda team.

kännissä olet ääliö

I was out without crutches yesterday and DAMN it felt good! I was first at my friend’s bday party, then clubbing in town. Had fun. Got absolutely wasted. Honestly, it’s been ages since the last time I was that drunk. Actually ‘drunk’ is not strong enough a word for the state I was in yesterday…

People make mistakes and I’m no exception. Last night’s mistake was mr. Ex at whose place I ended up. For some reason I wanted to talk to him about us, have an actual lie-free conversation. Of course, that didn’t work. I did ask him what he wanted from me and he said he didn’t know. He’s always like that, avoiding serious conversations… I cant remember what else I said to him or what he said to me but somehow this morning I found myself in his bed. He was sleeping on the floor! Apparently I’d said or done something to piss him off, oops…

Its funny how I’ve been so attached to that guy the past 2 years or so but this time… it was different. I didn’t feel a thing. I still liked talking to him and all but the sparks were gone, this time for good I hope. I used to think I was so independent and strong but in reality it’s me who’s been played, not the other way around. He was the first one to make me feel anything, the first one I really felt drawn to. And he was totally bad for me. I just hope this was it, that I can go on with my life now.

I don’t really remember that much about yesterday. Probably made a complete fool of myself but oh well, it happens. And I should get the day-after-pill, SHIT.

I should probably update more often (if anyone reads this)

sex, drugs and rock n roll

What the hell is happening to me??

Yesterday I was at a friend’s home party. She lives really close so I thought that I could drink a little. Well, I did, and I even smoked some weed. It was supposed like the good old times but… it wasn’t. Something was missing and I really don’t know what. Maybe it was because I didn’t drink that much, maybe because I couldn’t dance or anything, I don’t know. I just know that it didn’t feel like it used to.

I was relaxed and the company was okay, mainly people from my class + some random dudes. Yet I felt strangely detached of it all, I just couldn’t have fun like I used to. I hope things will go back to normal when I can walk normally again. It’s not like partying is the most important thing in my life or anything but it’s my way of having fun, of relaxing. I want that good feeling back; I want to be the life of the party again.

My friend in Australia has apparently taken a liking to acid and pills. I don’t really know what to think about it. I mean, I do weed, but I’ve never touched anything ‘heavier’ and I probably never will. Weed is after all pretty harmless, no more dangerous than cigarettes or alcohol. Acid on the other hand… well, I guess it’s acceptable every now and then in a party or something but my friend just said that she’d been tripping out at school, some after-effect of acid. I don’t want her to get herself into any kind of trouble… Thank god she’s coming back here in a couple of months, the drug culture here is a bit different and stuff like acid is harder to get.

I’m starting an extreme diet today. It’s nothing special, just controlling what I eat more carefully than before, not eating if I don’t know what the food contains etc. We’ll see how it goes.

you are what you eat

Food is essential for survival, that is a fact. If you consume more than you burn, you will gain weight and vice versa. We all know these simple truths and should also know how to apply them, i.e. eat sensibly. Yet it seems that an increasing number of people are having trouble with eating, some eating too much and some too little. What exactly is it that makes eating – an everyday task – so difficult?

What we eat affects the way we look, thus affecting the way we feel about ourselves and how other people see us. The food that we consume shapes us, affecting everything from our body to our mind. There is no denying that food is an important part of life, “we are what we eat”. In a society that admires will power and self-control it is natural that food intake should be controlled so that we could decide exactly what we become. However it’s not always that easy.

My personal relationship with food is a complicated one. I see food as a ‘necessary evil’ that one needs to survive. I’m often disgusted by food that I consider unhealthy and I hate myself if I’ve let it slip and eaten too much. Yet I respect my body and want to give it sufficient and good nutrition. I want to be healthy and I understand that food is an essential part of health. Even though I want to be thin and would do anything to get there, I would never ever starve myself with, say, 100kcal/day or something, I find that extremely stupid.

I count the calories, carbs, fat and protein of every single bite I take. I can’t eat it if I don’t know what it contains. I got this small scale a few days back and I’ve been using it to weigh everything I eat so that I know exactly how much I’ve consumed during the day. I know it shouldn’t be like this, I know that eating shouldn’t be made that complicated but I can’t help it. In some weird way I’ve become obsessed with this control.

Back to the original question: What makes eating so difficult? Well, I really don’t know. Maybe when everything else seems to be spiraling out of control, it is only natural to turn to food. What you put in your mouth is up to you, you control it. The feeling of power, of total control, is exhilarating.

Reunion

Once again I realized just how much I’d missed my best friends.

They dropped by before & after school (I didn’t go to school today) and everything was like it used to be, just the 3 of us smoking on the balcony and talking shit. I've seen both of them after I got home but this was the first time in ages that we were all united again.
One of my best guy friends also visited, I haven’t seen him all summer… It was nice talking to him after 2 whole months, he's one of those people that truly get me, he's like the brother I never had.

After they left I’ve just been surfing the net, sleeping and drinking tea. I have a doctor’s appointment tomorrow and I’m really really scared. It might be that nothing’s happened yet and that I need to wait for another 2 months before I can start strengthening the leg. That would be devastating but after my last visit to the doctor I’ve learned to be prepared for the worst. Of course, the leg may also have strengthened on its own and started healing – you never know. I guess I’ll just have to go there without any expectations whatsoever because apparently when it comes to my leg, nothing goes as planned -_-

I really don’t have any deep or philosophical thoughts right now. I’m happy because I got such great friends and I’m scared as hell because I got a doctor’s appointment tomorrow.

food

This is seriously getting out of hand. Today I spent 30min in front of the mirror squeezing my stomach and thighs and looking at how fat I am until I just couldn’t stand it anymore and started crying. Yesterday I was still happy about my friends’ comments (they said I’d lost weight) but now I feel merely awful because if I have lost weight and I’m still this fat, that means I was HUGE before.

I also read some other peoples’ food diaries and had some interesting reactions… Whenever there were people eating less than me, I was angry and jealous – mad at myself for being such a pig and jealous of them eating so little and yet being healthy. And mind you, these were ‘normal’ (mainly low carb) food diaries. I just couldn’t help it! I mean, I want to stay healthy, I want to keep my muscles and all but I just feel so disgusted whenever I eat.

Each day it’s getting harder and harder to eat enough fat and enough calories. I stuff it down my throat because I know I need it but at the same time my mind is screaming “nooooooooooo!” and afterwards I sit staring at the empty plate, feeling sick and disgusted with myself. This is not normal and it’s scaring the heck out of me.

I think maybe now that I can’t party, see friends, exercise or work anymore, food has taken their place. Before the accident I had so much stuff keeping me busy, I couldn’t focus so much on food – and I didn’t even want to! Now the accident took all those things away and they left a big hole in my life. Somehow I ended up filling it with food. Not literally though, I’m so glad I’ve never really binged. It’s just not my thing…

So probably this strange infatuation will go away once I get my old life back. At least I hope so.

Lost

I was all set to write this really angsty and depressed post about how everything sucks and nothing feels right anymore when suddenly I stopped and thought: “what the hell??” I realized that I really have nothing to complain about, at least nothing real. I got my heart broken – once again- today and does it feel bad? Yes, but is it worth getting all depressed over? No. I feel a bit down and stress about my leg and school but are things always going to be like this? No, if I don’t let them.

Getting depressed and angsting only makes me feel worse because I sure like to wallow in self-pity. That in turn makes me even sadder. So it’s a vicious cycle and it prevents me from seeing the good side of things. The guy was an asshole – he’s always been and I’ve always known that. I shouldn’t let him affect me like this because he really isn’t worth it. If he gets in touch with me again, maybe we’ll sort this out, but for now I shouldn’t be bothered with him.

I’m going to walk again. It may take months but eventually I’ll be able to walk and like the doctor said, it can be improved with surgeries. It’s a long process but if I give up now, it’s only going to be longer. It may hurt like hell to be forced to walk with crutches right now, to have wasted half of the summer, but I learned heck of a lot during the time I spent first in the hospital and then at my parents’ place. I’ve really grown up during these couple of months or so.

As for school, well, I have time tomorrow and the day after tomorrow, I can finish my history essay then and after that just take it day by day, start actually doing my homework and be a bit more active. That should be enough for me to do at least reasonably well in the finals. I may never get those 40-something points but even if I don’t, I know I’ll do well just because I always do.

I feel a bit out of place here, just like I did at my parents’ place. I thought the feeling would go away when I got home and it did, but now it’s back again. I guess it’s the ground burning under feet. I feel like I don’t belong here anymore, it’s not the same anymore. I can’t wait to get out of this place, this city, this country, next year when I’m taking a gap year. I don’t know if it’ll help, though. It’s always been like this, ever since I was little, I was always longing for something different. Maybe I’ll never stop feeling like this, never quite belong anywhere for good.

I think the empty feeling in my stomach (that has nothing to do with hunger lol) has a lot to do with my leg right now. Not being able to go wherever I want and do the things I want makes me long for a change of scenery, unconsciously thinking that somewhere else things would be better. Even though, reasonably thought, they wouldn’t. They’d even be worse since here at least I have my friends and loved ones. This makes things harder because it’s me myself that I have to battle. I know I can’t change the way things are right now but it’s so hard to actually make me believe it.

I… I can’t quite even describe everything that’s going on inside my head at the moment. Regret, shame, anger, helplessness… I’m not used to things being so out of control. I thought coming home would somehow make everything so much easier but apparently I was wrong. This is not something that can be fixed by physically escaping, like I’ve done all my life. This is something that has to be suffered through.

Realizing the inevitability of all this really helps. I just feel dull when I don’t try to fight it but at least it’s better than constant depression and angst. The things I wrote about earlier – the guy, school – are insignificant compared to this because they’re something that I can affect. That’s why I feel a bit silly now for angsting over them so much earlier today…

I’m a bit messed up. I need to do some serious soul-searching, stop for a moment and face my demons; eventually (hopefully) I’ll be able to understand this whole situation a bit better.

Perfection

Perfection is subjective. Some people see a really thin body as ‘perfect’, others’ ideal is a more muscular form. There are even people out there who think obesity is perfection. There are as many opinions as there are people.

My perfection is something that I can’t quite describe with words. It’s happiness, balance, beauty, achieving one’s goals, ambition… My ideal self is 10kg thinner than I am now, she’s the top of her class, she works hard but has fun also, she’s got lots of friends, she always looks pretty, and she sets herself big goals and achieves them… Basically my ideal self is the kind of girl that people look at and wonder how she can do all that and still be so perfect. I know I can be that person if I just want it enough.

I made a little list of how I’m going to improve my life this coming autumn:

* wake up earlier

* keep my apartment clean

* keep my nails pretty

* eat less & healthy

* study harder

* meet new people

* do my best to heal my leg

That’s about it. I know I can be whatever I want to be, it just takes some work. I just want to get my life under control again…

What I find frustrating is that many people complain about how they can never achieve this and that kind of body, can never get that dream job, can never make enough money. I think they’re just lazy. I mean, life’s all about choices and the choices you make determine what your life’s going to be like. Not all choices are easy and sometimes you need to work hard to get what you want but nevertheless it is possible. It is possible to get the body you’ve always dreamt of or get a job you love.

I got to thinking about perfection and its definition today because I realized that I’m nowhere close to being happy about how my life’s turned out. I’m not happy with the way I look, my grades are not good enough, and my self-discipline is not good enough. I really need to stop wasting my life and try harder to be the best I can be.

The picture above is soo old and apparently very popular among proanas but I thought it fit this post really well… Below is Kate Moss, now she’s perfect.

laws of attraction

I guess it wasn't really right
I guess it wasn't meant to be
It didn't matter what they said
'Cause we were good in bed
I guess I stuck around so I could watch us fight
for all the wrong reasons
No, it didn't matter what I tried
It's just a little hard to leave
When you're going down on me
I guess I stuck around so I could watch us fight
for all the wrong reasons

Nickelback – fight for all the wrong reasons

That’s my song for tonight. I find myself once again bound to the one person I should’ve left behind ages ago but who I’m still addicted to. It’s funny, really, how we can do practically anything to each other and yet we still always get back together. It’s not love, no, it’s just some sort of fucked up friendship/addiction/affection.

I guess I really used to care for him once. I even thought I was in love and then got my heart broken when he treated me like shit. Now, however, I’ve learned to see things for what they really are. I don’t have any illusions concerning our ‘relationship’ and, surprisingly, I’m happier this way. It’s just so easy. We get along better than well, the sex is good and we trust each other. What more could a girl want?

Being with him is thrilling because he’s the type of a guy who has absolutely no morals. What we do is indecent but we couldn’t care less because it feels good and it’s so much fun and makes us feel alive. We tried a ‘real relationship’ once but it didn’t work, I never felt like I do now. I guess we’re both just too commitment phobic or maybe too similar, it just wasn’t right.

In a way it’s scary that this has been going on for 2 years now. I really don’t even know what it is that attracts me to him, there’s just this… this strange pull that makes me want him. One of the reasons why I’m so picky when it comes to boyfriends or such is that I’m always searching for that special something. I’ve been out with some really nice and perfect guys but the sparks have always been missing. With him, however, I can feel the sparks. Lately they’ve calmed down a bit as we’ve both grown up and we’re more like friends but they’re still there. I’m so used to having those sparks that I won’t settle for anything less and it’s a bit frightening because I know this can’t go on forever – and I wouldn’t even want it to.

I’m probably seeing him on Wednesday. I don’t know if it’s a good idea but frankly, I don’t care. I want to get laid and I think I may even miss him a bit. He’s totally bad for me but so what? We ought to have fun while we can, right?

Arctic Monkeys - cigaretter smoker fiona

Cigarette smoke doesn't hide
As well as you think
And you'd think that it oughta
Act as the perfect disguise
arctic monkeys - cigarette smoker fiona

OMG I NEED A SMOKE!!!!111

i quit smoking after my surgery and during these 7 weeks i've smoked exactly 5 ½ cigarettes. when i was driving around with a friend, i smoked half a cig and threw the rest away because it tasted so bad. then i visited my hometown and smoked 2 cigs at a friends place and one at my workplace with my best friend. then some other friends came to visit me and i bummed 2 cigs. and that's it. honestly i'm suffering right now...

i just finished my extended essay (3700 words) and i'm sooo proud of myself, i want to celebrate this with a cup of coffee and a cigarette on my own little balcony. it was always a habit of mine when i was writing school stuff to take little breaks every now and then to make some coffee or smoke. it calmed me down and it was easier to concentrate. i know i'm not allowed to smoke and i know that these cravings will go away but ahhhhhhhhhhh ! i'd kill for a fag right now.

oh and i spent 500e today internet shopping ^^ nice.

Forbidden fruits

I fought with my mum yesterday and made her cry.

I want to go home earlier as it would be the most convenient solution – I would be able to finish my school stuff and get used to living on my own again. My mum, however, doesn’t want to let me go. The fight was pretty much consisted of me asking ‘why not’ and her giving me the most ridiculous answers (like ‘I know you’d go and get wasted as soon as you get there’ etc). Somehow we ended up yelling at each other, she was calling me an ungrateful brat and I told her that she can’t control me like that anymore and that things are different now. Then I said something (I don’t even know what) and she started crying. I was like great, thanks.

I understand that she wants to protect me. She is my mum after all. However I hate it when people try to protect me, I’ve never needed anyone’s protection and it has always caused just more trouble. Like when I was little, I guess you could say that I was a bit overprotected. Growing up in the countryside, I was never allowed to do what kids elsewhere did. When I finally got friends who lived in town and I started going to school there, all hell broke loose. I even managed to get myself a criminal record at the age of 13… (though my record is clean now since I was under 15 at the time and now I’m already off age)

So to put it shortly, protecting me has always caused more harm than good because I’m the type of a person who always has to do what’s forbidden. Though I guess I’m also the type of a person who people will always want and try to protect. They know about my school grades for example and then when they see me smoking pot, they think I’m throwing my life away and want to save me. Makes sense but what they don’t usually understand is that despite my ‘wild’ lifestyle, I can still take care of myself. I do well at school, I have a job, I’m not addicted to anything, and I’m not dependent on anything… I’m pretty well off, I’d say.

I admit that sometimes I wonder if it’s really possible to have it all. Is it possible to walk the line between success and degradation, to keep ones two lives in balance? For how long can one do that? Every now and then I find myself wanting to succumb wholly to my ‘wild’ side; it would be so much easier and so much more fun. But then again my ambition and reason keep me from doing that. I value education and success too much, plus I’m so conceited that I think dropping out of school would mean wasting my talent. Though I’m also too lazy to concentrate fully on school. I’d go crazy if I had nothing to take my mind off school and work! So my life’s in balance but the question is: for how long can I keep it up?

My relationship with food has taken a turn for the worse lately… I hate food, I hate eating. I feel like shit every time I eat, I can just feel my stomach getting bigger and bigger. I know I should eat more and today I’ve eaten pretty sensibly but it doesn’t feel good. I wish I had something to take my mind off of food, to make me forget about it. Right now I just can’t stop thinking about it and no matter what I eat it’s always too much and wrong.

Home

They say home is where your heart is and based on my recent experiences, I have to say I totally agree with that. I spent most of my life here in this little village with my family but I can honestly say that I was never happy here. I always longed for something else, dreamed of leaving this place behind me.

When I finally left and moved to my own place (at the age of 16), I was happier than ever. I had a place that I could call home and it felt more like home than my parents’ place ever did. It still does, and now that I’m back at my parents’ place (I’ve been here for about 7 weeks now), I got to thinking: what is it that makes my little apartment and that little, dirty city feel like home?

The first thing that comes to mind is of course friends. I’ve never had such good friends before. They’re the ones I can share everything (or almost everything) with; they make me feel good about myself, loved and happy. I associate my apartment strongly with some of my closest friends because we’ve spent so much time there. It’s like, when I think about my apartment, I can just imagine my best friends sitting there by the table, drinking coffee, or outside on the balcony smoking and talking and laughing. Of course I also spend a lot of time alone at home and I like being alone but the best memories I have from my place all include friends (and usually alcohol, but that’s another story :D ).

Another thing is freedom. When I moved away from home, from a small village to a ‘big’ city, I finally got the freedom I had longed for. With it came responsibility (like adults always love to point out: with freedom comes responsibility!) but it was okay, I’ve always been good at taking care of myself. I can’t even begin to describe how much I love my freedom, even now after 2 years. I love being able to do whatever I want and go wherever I want. I love the city I live in because it represents freedom in my eyes whereas my parents’ home represents captivity.

I know for sure that right now my heart lies with my city and I can truly call my apartment ‘home’ because that’s what it is. I’ve built a life there, I have everything I’ve ever dreamt of (or well, almost). However my heart is not attached to anything solid, that city would mean nothing to me without my friends and the life I have there. I don’t know if that means that I have no real home yet…

I remember someone saying once that we all have a place where we are meant to be. I thought it was pretty wisely said, though it doesn’t have to be taken literally. I’ve found out that right now my place is with my friends, in my city, doing the things I love and living the life I love.

The reason why I started thinking about the concept of home and its meaning is that today I saw some of my friends and I realized just how much I missed everything and everyone. I can feel that I don’t belong here and it hurts. I’ve never been homesick in my life but now it’s really close…

go with the flow

I've stopped feeling hungry.

Maybe I have finally achieved some kind of a flow that one usually gets when doing something they really like. I can't say I like dieting but it's definitely something that interests me. I love learning more about nutrition, losing weight and training. I even like calorie-counting (especially now that I don't really even have to count, I know my calories are always under 1000kcal, they've actually now settled to around 600-800kcal).

While I like this new-found flow, I'm also a bit afraid. This might just get out of hand if I'm not careful. I've got a leg to heal, a busy year of school ahead of me, finals coming up etc etc., I can't afford to ruin it all by eating too little and becoming malnourished or something. I do trust myself, though. I've always been able to control myself no matter what, so I can control this too, right?


Btw I just had to add a pic of Shane (the L-word), I love her! Shes got an amazing, unique style, not to mention amazing abs ;)

Bitch alert

I just kinda had a fight with someone I don’t even know that well… It was about this blog. I asked him earlier today if he had any ideas, like what I could write about and so on. And now I was like ‘hey, I’ll write about this and that…’ and he was like ‘I don’t think that’s what blogs are for’ etc. etc. I finally had enough and just said that ‘well, you don’t have to read it’ to which he just replied ‘thanks’. I don’t know if he’s pissed off at me but I for sure am pissed off at him for being so frigging annoying.

I know I take stuff like this way too seriously. I mean, I barely know him; his opinion shouldn’t matter to me. Yet I get really mad and after blaming him I start to blame myself and then I start hating myself and then it’s all about weight and looks again. When I hate myself, I'm uglier and fatter than ever and we all know what that leads to... What the hell is wrong with me???

7 deadly sins: Greed

Continuing with the series of the deadly sins that I started before with gluttony, I now decided to write about greed. Greed, along with gluttony, is a prevailing sin in today’s world. We want it all and we want it now and nothing is ever going to be enough.

Greed can be connected to many things but most often we talk about it in connection to money and power. The desire to posses them turns to greed when even after you have all the money and power that you need to get by, you still want more and you’re ready to do whatever it takes to get it. Sound familiar? A fact is that the world as we know it is built on greed.

Wikipedia talks about how it is natural in every culture to want things. And of course, who wouldn’t want more money, better cars, nicer clothes and so on. But it says also that “Greed is the extreme form of this desire, especially where one desires things simply for the sake of owning them” (Wikipedia). By this definition, I think we’re all pretty greedy, eh? Though, it does also say in the article that greed usually involves acquiring the desired things at the expense of someone else’s well-being.

I tried to keep this text free of any mention of eating/food but I couldn’t help making a connection between eating disorders and greed. Aren’t EDs a model example of modern day greed? One desires thinness simply for the sake of having it, nothing is ever enough, thinness is acquired at the expense of one’s family’s well-being… Yet people with an ED are called sick whereas for example big bosses who make money by exploiting Chinese children are called greedy bastards.

Of course I don’t think that people with an ED are greedy bastards, I just started thinking about how weird it is that when taken to ground level, in theory you could come to that conclusion simply by using pure logic. I know… I’ve spent too much time studying TOK (Theory of Knowledge), it’s getting a bit too philosophical.

In my life greed shows its ugly head most often when it comes to school. I’m extremely ambitious, I always want and need to be the best and to be honest, I don’t really care who I push aside when it’s about my own education and my own goals. The thing is though; this greed is not going to last forever. I’ll get my masters degree and then be done with school. Maybe I’ll take my ambition with me to work life or maybe I’ll just be happy with my ambition satisfied… I really don’t know. I guess time will tell.

It’s greed that rules the world today, there’s no doubt about it. The question is, though, can it last forever? Can people want forever and never be satisfied? And what happens when we run out of things to want? Or is that even possible?

Deep blue sea

Haluan kirjoittaa välillä suomeksi. Jotenkin vaikka on tottunut siihen, että elää välillä melkein kokonaan englanniksi, jotkut asiat eivät vain kuulosta luontevilta muulla kuin äidinkielellään. Varsinkin nyt kun on päällä jonkunlainen ahdistus, tuntuu ettei mistään tule mitään ja on vaan niin levoton olo, että haluaisi vaan huutaa ja juosta (ironista sinänsä, koska en juokse vielä pitkään aikaan).

Vaaka näytti aamulla kilon vähemmän kuin ennen ja näyttää vieläkin. Jotenkin hassua ja ihanaa nähdä, että paino alkaa pienemmällä numerolla kuin ennen. Vaikka se onkin juuri ja juuri siellä puolella, on silti niin epätodellista. Kotonahan minulla ei edes ole vaakaa, joten en ole punninnut itseäni pitkiin aikoihin, mutta oletan, että ennen tänne tuloa paino oli jotakuinkin samoissa (suurissa) lukemissa.

Ahdistaa katsoa itseään peilistä. Päässä joku ääni vaan huutaa koko ajan ruma, ruma, läski, läski, kuin angstisella teinitytöllä konsanaaan. Se on muuten aika omituista, miten olen aina kavereiden seurassa ja baarissa se itsevarma, flirttaileva, iloinen bilehile, kun taas kotona yksinäni vihaan itseäni. Toki olen välillä ihan oikeasti itsevarma ja tyytyväinen itseeni, mutta viime aikoina on kai vain ollut liikaa aikaa ajatella ja on pystynyt miettimään niitä huonoja puolia vähän liikaa. Niin ja liikkumattomuus, se on ehkä pahinta. Antaisin mitä vaan, jos pääsisin lenkille tai salille tai ihan mihin vaan hikoilemaan!

Pidän muuten ruokapäikkyä karppifoorumilla ja on tosi ristiriitainen olo, koska siellä kaikki hehkuttavat rasvan käyttöä ja käskevät olemaan välittämättä kaloreista, mieluummin paljon kuin liian vähän. Itsellä taas on koko ajan mennyt kaloripainotteisemmaksi, tänäänkin olen syönyt ~450kcal ja se saa riittää, en enää koskekaan ruokaan. Onneksi kello on jo 8. Tosin eipä ole viime aikoina ollut nälkäkään. Ällöttää ajatuskin ruuasta. Päivällä se vielä menee, varsinkin jos ei ole syönyt vielä mitään, mutta iltasyömisessä on mielestäni aina ollut jotain syntistä.

En jaksa odottaa, että pääsen takaisin kotiin. On ollut ihan kivaa olla täällä perheen luona, mutta tämä kaikki paska alkaa jo käydä raskaaksi. Haluan vain takaisin elämään normaalia elämääni... Mutta ei siitä enempää, ruikutin tarpeeksi jo viime postissa.

Mitäs muuta... Koitin äsken tehdä vatsoja, mutta jotenkin ne tuntuivat ihan älyttömän raskailta ja selkään sattui, kun tein lattialla. Tein myös punnerruksia ja nekin tuntuivat omituisen raskailta. Joko toisen jalan käyttökelvottomuus muuttaa liikeratoja ja tekee liikkeistä raskaat tai sitten kuntoni on yksinkertaisesti huonontunut. Veikkaan ja pelkään jälkimmäistä... Heti kun saan jalan kuntoon, alan taas käymään tehokkaasti salilla.




Päivitystä:

Söin sittenkin, hyi vittu sentään. Kokonaiskaloreiksi tuli 930kcal, mikä ei kai silleen oo paljon hassua et söin jonkun 15min aikana saman verran ku olin aiemmin koko päivänä syönyt. Söin juustoa ja meetvurstia, et onneksi hiilarit pysyivät sentään kurissa. Taas kyllä nähtiin että läski mikä läski!

Turning points

I miss my friends. It’s been 5 weeks now that I’ve been trapped here at my parents’ house in the middle of nowhere. I don’t know if I mentioned it earlier, but my leg is broken and right now I couldn’t live alone so that’s why I’m here. I’m just so frustrated and I miss everyone and everything so bad that it hurts.

In a way I’m happy that I can now concentrate fully on school stuff and losing weight so that I’ll look good when I go back home but… let’s just say that I’m not the type of a girl who spends her nights at home watching TV. I’m just not used to this.

This experience (the accident, breaking my leg) has taught me a lot though. Now I can appreciate everything I before took for granted. A simple thing like walking… Oh my God I would give everything just to be able to walk again! Or to bend my knee. Or to wear high heels. Though I know this is nothing compared to what could’ve happened, I mean if I had hit the wall at a different angle, I would be dead or paralyzed now, but still these 5 weeks have been really hard.

I guess this was inevitable, though. Maybe if you don’t know how to calm down yourself, something has to happen to make you calm down, take a step back and reconsider your choices. I’ve sure as hell done that… Though I can honestly say that I don’t regret anything. I made the choice to bum a ride from that guy but it was a choice I would’ve probably made in any circumstances. I would be lying if I said I didn’t have any “what if”-thoughts because I do. Sometimes I lie awake for hours, thinking about what I should’ve done and what could’ve been. That’s pointless, I know, but I guess it’s also natural.

I just want everything to go back to normal, I want my life back. It’s going to take at least another 5 weeks, probably even more, before I can move like I used to though my leg is never going be completely ‘normal’. I’m not exactly sure yet what was the lesson I’m supposed to learn from this but maybe I’ll find out eventually. At least, like I said, I’ve learned to appreciate what I have (or rather, had). So dear readers (if I got any), I suggest you all do voluntarily what I was forced to do… Take a step back and take a look at your life. It’s not that bad, is it?

a more personal note

I just had this wild craving for chocolate and cookies. I went to the kitchen to get some and just as I was reaching for the cookies, my hand froze and there was a voice inside my head telling me to stop it. I started thinking. Do I really need the cookies or the chocolate? How do I benefit from eating them? Is it really worth it? I decided that it's not.

I left the kitchen empty-handed and proud of myself. Before, I would've probably just taken the freaking cookies but now I'm sick of being a fat pig who can't control herself and spends her nights munching chocolate and cookies and getting fat. I don't want to be like that anymore.

Today I've eaten around 800 kcal, which I know is too little. Though considering that I can't exercise (a broken leg), I burn approximately 1500kcal a day. The deficit is only ~600kcal, which isn't that much. I try to keep my calories below 1000kcal but it's not the end of the world if every now and then I eat 1000-1300kcal.

I eat like a person with an ED but really I don't think I have one. My ideal body is like that in the picture, lean yet muscular and feminine. I don't want to be a skeleton, I'd rather look healthy and sporty. I'm going to change my eating habits again when I start exercising, but right now I'm dead scared of gaining weight.

7 deadly sins: Gluttony

Inspired by the name of this blog, I decided to pay some attention to the legendary seven deadly sins. I’m going to start with the one that I consider the most despicable of them all – gluttony. Defined in Wikipedia as “the over-indulgence and overconsumption of anything to the point of waste”, gluttony is usually taken to mean excessive consumption of food. It is the sin that is behind the rapidly spreading epidemic of obesity.

Gluttony is closely connected to greed. Nothing is ever enough, we’re never satisfied. Nowadays we have a surplus of almost every kind of food and to talk of over-consumption of it would be an understatement. This is the least trendy and yet the most common of the seven sins – visible everywhere but yet people do their best to hide it and are ashamed of it.

Gluttony is the one sin I have no desire of trying. It disgusts me more than I can even express with words and I’m sure that everyone who is as obsessed with beauty as I am can understand what I mean. Overconsumption of food is what makes you fat. It is, like said in Wikipedia’s definition, a waste. Obesity brings with it so much negative consequences – both social and even economical – that I’d say that it’s no wonder some of us decide to go for the other extreme, meaning the admiration of skinniness. Not that it’s completely risk-free or anything, of course not, but I’d rather be extremely skinny than extremely fat.

It’s just that in these days gluttony is made too easy. While before being fat was a sign of wealth, now it’s a sign of a lack of self-discipline. It is no longer the sin of the privileged, it has been brought down to the common people and like everything commonplace – it has become crude and lost its glamour. Which is good. What I find strange, though, is that how can obesity be so common even though it is so despised?