perjantai 1. elokuuta 2008

Forbidden fruits

I fought with my mum yesterday and made her cry.

I want to go home earlier as it would be the most convenient solution – I would be able to finish my school stuff and get used to living on my own again. My mum, however, doesn’t want to let me go. The fight was pretty much consisted of me asking ‘why not’ and her giving me the most ridiculous answers (like ‘I know you’d go and get wasted as soon as you get there’ etc). Somehow we ended up yelling at each other, she was calling me an ungrateful brat and I told her that she can’t control me like that anymore and that things are different now. Then I said something (I don’t even know what) and she started crying. I was like great, thanks.

I understand that she wants to protect me. She is my mum after all. However I hate it when people try to protect me, I’ve never needed anyone’s protection and it has always caused just more trouble. Like when I was little, I guess you could say that I was a bit overprotected. Growing up in the countryside, I was never allowed to do what kids elsewhere did. When I finally got friends who lived in town and I started going to school there, all hell broke loose. I even managed to get myself a criminal record at the age of 13… (though my record is clean now since I was under 15 at the time and now I’m already off age)

So to put it shortly, protecting me has always caused more harm than good because I’m the type of a person who always has to do what’s forbidden. Though I guess I’m also the type of a person who people will always want and try to protect. They know about my school grades for example and then when they see me smoking pot, they think I’m throwing my life away and want to save me. Makes sense but what they don’t usually understand is that despite my ‘wild’ lifestyle, I can still take care of myself. I do well at school, I have a job, I’m not addicted to anything, and I’m not dependent on anything… I’m pretty well off, I’d say.

I admit that sometimes I wonder if it’s really possible to have it all. Is it possible to walk the line between success and degradation, to keep ones two lives in balance? For how long can one do that? Every now and then I find myself wanting to succumb wholly to my ‘wild’ side; it would be so much easier and so much more fun. But then again my ambition and reason keep me from doing that. I value education and success too much, plus I’m so conceited that I think dropping out of school would mean wasting my talent. Though I’m also too lazy to concentrate fully on school. I’d go crazy if I had nothing to take my mind off school and work! So my life’s in balance but the question is: for how long can I keep it up?

My relationship with food has taken a turn for the worse lately… I hate food, I hate eating. I feel like shit every time I eat, I can just feel my stomach getting bigger and bigger. I know I should eat more and today I’ve eaten pretty sensibly but it doesn’t feel good. I wish I had something to take my mind off of food, to make me forget about it. Right now I just can’t stop thinking about it and no matter what I eat it’s always too much and wrong.

1 kommentti:

nadja kirjoitti...

I totally understand that you want to go home, 7 weeks at your parents house is a lot! It's so weird how spending time with them always seems to activate those old patterns (at least for me). I sometimes wonder if me and my mom EVER will be able to behave like two grown-ups instead of mom & kid.. :/

I hope things will be easier for you soon, with the eating and all.