sunnuntai 10. elokuuta 2008

food


This is seriously getting out of hand. Today I spent 30min in front of the mirror squeezing my stomach and thighs and looking at how fat I am until I just couldn’t stand it anymore and started crying. Yesterday I was still happy about my friends’ comments (they said I’d lost weight) but now I feel merely awful because if I have lost weight and I’m still this fat, that means I was HUGE before.

I also read some other peoples’ food diaries and had some interesting reactions… Whenever there were people eating less than me, I was angry and jealous – mad at myself for being such a pig and jealous of them eating so little and yet being healthy. And mind you, these were ‘normal’ (mainly low carb) food diaries. I just couldn’t help it! I mean, I want to stay healthy, I want to keep my muscles and all but I just feel so disgusted whenever I eat.

Each day it’s getting harder and harder to eat enough fat and enough calories. I stuff it down my throat because I know I need it but at the same time my mind is screaming “nooooooooooo!” and afterwards I sit staring at the empty plate, feeling sick and disgusted with myself. This is not normal and it’s scaring the heck out of me.

I think maybe now that I can’t party, see friends, exercise or work anymore, food has taken their place. Before the accident I had so much stuff keeping me busy, I couldn’t focus so much on food – and I didn’t even want to! Now the accident took all those things away and they left a big hole in my life. Somehow I ended up filling it with food. Not literally though, I’m so glad I’ve never really binged. It’s just not my thing…

So probably this strange infatuation will go away once I get my old life back. At least I hope so.

3 kommenttia:

Nessa kirjoitti...

"Today I spent 30min in front of the mirror squeezing my stomach and thighs and looking at how fat I am until I just couldn’t stand it anymore and started crying."
Joo, valitettavasti olen saman kokenut :/ tulee tosi paska fiilis, varsinkin mitä pitemmäksi aikaa siihen peilin eteen jumittaa. Damn mirrors..

No, jätin sulle kommenttia myös siksi, että on tosi kiva lukea sun blogia englanniksi, itsekin käynyt kansainvälisen peruskoulun ja sellaista :)

Voimia sulle!

Julia kirjoitti...

Niin pitäis vältellä joo, mut se on yks niistä mun paheista mitä löytyy aina kotoa.

Kiva jos tykkäät blogistani, lukisin varmasti sunkin blogia jos vaan osaisin enkkua niin paljon, että jaksaisin alkaa lukemaan pitkiä tekstejä eteenpäin hermostumatta, kun en ymmärtäisi :D

Julia kirjoitti...

:D Voi sua, saat sitte vissiin koko ajan jotain pullaa yms syötäväks.