This is seriously getting out of hand. Today I spent 30min in front of the mirror squeezing my stomach and thighs and looking at how fat I am until I just couldn’t stand it anymore and started crying. Yesterday I was still happy about my friends’ comments (they said I’d lost weight) but now I feel merely awful because if I have lost weight and I’m still this fat, that means I was HUGE before.
I also read some other peoples’ food diaries and had some interesting reactions… Whenever there were people eating less than me, I was angry and jealous – mad at myself for being such a pig and jealous of them eating so little and yet being healthy. And mind you, these were ‘normal’ (mainly low carb) food diaries. I just couldn’t help it! I mean, I want to stay healthy, I want to keep my muscles and all but I just feel so disgusted whenever I eat.
Each day it’s getting harder and harder to eat enough fat and enough calories. I stuff it down my throat because I know I need it but at the same time my mind is screaming “nooooooooooo!” and afterwards I sit staring at the empty plate, feeling sick and disgusted with myself. This is not normal and it’s scaring the heck out of me.
I think maybe now that I can’t party, see friends, exercise or work anymore, food has taken their place. Before the accident I had so much stuff keeping me busy, I couldn’t focus so much on food – and I didn’t even want to! Now the accident took all those things away and they left a big hole in my life. Somehow I ended up filling it with food. Not literally though, I’m so glad I’ve never really binged. It’s just not my thing…
So probably this strange infatuation will go away once I get my old life back. At least I hope so.