keskiviikko 30. heinäkuuta 2008

Home



They say home is where your heart is and based on my recent experiences, I have to say I totally agree with that. I spent most of my life here in this little village with my family but I can honestly say that I was never happy here. I always longed for something else, dreamed of leaving this place behind me.

When I finally left and moved to my own place (at the age of 16), I was happier than ever. I had a place that I could call home and it felt more like home than my parents’ place ever did. It still does, and now that I’m back at my parents’ place (I’ve been here for about 7 weeks now), I got to thinking: what is it that makes my little apartment and that little, dirty city feel like home?

The first thing that comes to mind is of course friends. I’ve never had such good friends before. They’re the ones I can share everything (or almost everything) with; they make me feel good about myself, loved and happy. I associate my apartment strongly with some of my closest friends because we’ve spent so much time there. It’s like, when I think about my apartment, I can just imagine my best friends sitting there by the table, drinking coffee, or outside on the balcony smoking and talking and laughing. Of course I also spend a lot of time alone at home and I like being alone but the best memories I have from my place all include friends (and usually alcohol, but that’s another story :D ).

Another thing is freedom. When I moved away from home, from a small village to a ‘big’ city, I finally got the freedom I had longed for. With it came responsibility (like adults always love to point out: with freedom comes responsibility!) but it was okay, I’ve always been good at taking care of myself. I can’t even begin to describe how much I love my freedom, even now after 2 years. I love being able to do whatever I want and go wherever I want. I love the city I live in because it represents freedom in my eyes whereas my parents’ home represents captivity.

I know for sure that right now my heart lies with my city and I can truly call my apartment ‘home’ because that’s what it is. I’ve built a life there, I have everything I’ve ever dreamt of (or well, almost). However my heart is not attached to anything solid, that city would mean nothing to me without my friends and the life I have there. I don’t know if that means that I have no real home yet…

I remember someone saying once that we all have a place where we are meant to be. I thought it was pretty wisely said, though it doesn’t have to be taken literally. I’ve found out that right now my place is with my friends, in my city, doing the things I love and living the life I love.

The reason why I started thinking about the concept of home and its meaning is that today I saw some of my friends and I realized just how much I missed everything and everyone. I can feel that I don’t belong here and it hurts. I’ve never been homesick in my life but now it’s really close…

tiistai 29. heinäkuuta 2008

go with the flow


I've stopped feeling hungry.

Maybe I have finally achieved some kind of a
flow that one usually gets when doing something they really like. I can't say I like dieting but it's definitely something that interests me. I love learning more about nutrition, losing weight and training. I even like calorie-counting (especially now that I don't really even have to count, I know my calories are always under 1000kcal, they've actually now settled to around 600-800kcal).

While I like this new-found
flow, I'm also a bit afraid. This might just get out of hand if I'm not careful. I've got a leg to heal, a busy year of school ahead of me, finals coming up etc etc., I can't afford to ruin it all by eating too little and becoming malnourished or something. I do trust myself, though. I've always been able to control myself no matter what, so I can control this too, right?


Btw I just had to add a pic of Shane (the L-word), I love her! Shes got an amazing, unique style, not to mention amazing abs ;)

sunnuntai 27. heinäkuuta 2008

Bitch alert


I just kinda had a fight with someone I don’t even know that well… It was about this blog. I asked him earlier today if he had any ideas, like what I could write about and so on. And now I was like ‘hey, I’ll write about this and that…’ and he was like ‘I don’t think that’s what blogs are for’ etc. etc. I finally had enough and just said that ‘well, you don’t have to read it’ to which he just replied ‘thanks’. I don’t know if he’s pissed off at me but I for sure am pissed off at him for being so frigging annoying.

I know I take stuff like this way too seriously. I mean, I barely know him; his opinion shouldn’t matter to me. Yet I get really mad and after blaming him I start to blame myself and then I start hating myself and then it’s all about weight and looks again. When I hate myself, I'm uglier and fatter than ever and we all know what that leads to... What the hell is wrong with me???

lauantai 26. heinäkuuta 2008

7 deadly sins: Greed



Continuing with the series of the deadly sins that I started before with gluttony, I now decided to write about greed. Greed, along with gluttony, is a prevailing sin in today’s world. We want it all and we want it now and nothing is ever going to be enough.

Greed can be connected to many things but most often we talk about it in connection to money and power. The desire to posses them turns to greed when even after you have all the money and power that you need to get by, you still want more and you’re ready to do whatever it takes to get it. Sound familiar? A fact is that the world as we know it is built on greed.

Wikipedia talks about how it is natural in every culture to want things. And of course, who wouldn’t want more money, better cars, nicer clothes and so on. But it says also that “Greed is the extreme form of this desire, especially where one desires things simply for the sake of owning them” (Wikipedia). By this definition, I think we’re all pretty greedy, eh? Though, it does also say in the article that greed usually involves acquiring the desired things at the expense of someone else’s well-being.

I tried to keep this text free of any mention of eating/food but I couldn’t help making a connection between eating disorders and greed. Aren’t EDs a model example of modern day greed? One desires thinness simply for the sake of having it, nothing is ever enough, thinness is acquired at the expense of one’s family’s well-being… Yet people with an ED are called sick whereas for example big bosses who make money by exploiting Chinese children are called greedy bastards.

Of course I don’t think that people with an ED are greedy bastards, I just started thinking about how weird it is that when taken to ground level, in theory you could come to that conclusion simply by using pure logic. I know… I’ve spent too much time studying TOK (Theory of Knowledge), it’s getting a bit too philosophical.

In my life greed shows its ugly head most often when it comes to school. I’m extremely ambitious, I always want and need to be the best and to be honest, I don’t really care who I push aside when it’s about my own education and my own goals. The thing is though; this greed is not going to last forever. I’ll get my masters degree and then be done with school. Maybe I’ll take my ambition with me to work life or maybe I’ll just be happy with my ambition satisfied… I really don’t know. I guess time will tell.

It’s greed that rules the world today, there’s no doubt about it. The question is, though, can it last forever? Can people want forever and never be satisfied? And what happens when we run out of things to want? Or is that even possible?

perjantai 25. heinäkuuta 2008

Deep blue sea


Haluan kirjoittaa välillä suomeksi. Jotenkin vaikka on tottunut siihen, että elää välillä melkein kokonaan englanniksi, jotkut asiat eivät vain kuulosta luontevilta muulla kuin äidinkielellään. Varsinkin nyt kun on päällä jonkunlainen ahdistus, tuntuu ettei mistään tule mitään ja on vaan niin levoton olo, että haluaisi vaan huutaa ja juosta (ironista sinänsä, koska en juokse vielä pitkään aikaan).

Vaaka näytti aamulla kilon vähemmän kuin ennen ja näyttää vieläkin. Jotenkin hassua ja ihanaa nähdä, että paino alkaa pienemmällä numerolla kuin ennen. Vaikka se onkin juuri ja juuri siellä puolella, on silti niin epätodellista. Kotonahan minulla ei edes ole vaakaa, joten en ole punninnut itseäni pitkiin aikoihin, mutta oletan, että ennen tänne tuloa paino oli jotakuinkin samoissa (suurissa) luk
emissa.

Ahdistaa katsoa itseään peilistä. Päässä joku ääni vaan huutaa koko ajan ruma, ruma, läski, läski, kuin angstisella teinitytöllä konsanaaan. Se on muuten aika omituista, miten olen aina kavereiden seurassa ja baarissa se itsevarma, flirttaileva, iloinen bilehile, kun taas kotona yksinäni vihaan itseäni. Toki olen välillä ihan oikeasti itsevarma ja tyytyväinen itseeni, mutta viime aikoina on kai vain ollut liikaa aikaa ajatella ja on pystyn
yt miettimään niitä huonoja puolia vähän liikaa. Niin ja liikkumattomuus, se on ehkä pahinta. Antaisin mitä vaan, jos pääsisin lenkille tai salille tai ihan mihin vaan hikoilemaan!

Pidän muuten ruokapäikkyä karppifoorumilla ja on tosi ristiriitainen olo, koska siellä kaikki hehkuttavat rasvan käyttöä ja käskevät olemaan välittämättä kaloreista, mieluummin paljon kuin liian vähän. Itsellä taas on koko ajan mennyt kaloripainotteisemmaksi, tänäänkin olen syönyt ~450kcal ja se saa riittää, en enää koskekaan ruokaan. Onneksi kello on jo 8. Tosin eipä ole viime aikoina ollut nälkäkään. Ällöttää ajatuskin ruuasta. Päivällä se vielä menee, varsinkin jos ei ole syönyt vielä mitään, mutta iltasyömisessä on mielestäni aina ollut jotain syntistä.

En jaksa odottaa, että pääsen takaisin kotiin. On ollut ihan kivaa olla täällä perheen luona, mutta tämä kaikki paska alkaa jo käydä raskaaksi. Haluan vain takaisin elämään normaalia elämääni... Mutta ei siitä enempää, ruikutin tarpeeksi jo viime postissa.

Mitäs muuta... Koitin äsken tehdä vatsoja, mutta jotenkin ne tuntuivat ihan älyttömän raskailta ja selkään sattui, kun tein lattialla. Tein myös punnerruksia ja nekin tuntuivat omituisen raskailta. Joko toisen jalan käyttökelvottomuus muuttaa liikeratoja ja tekee liikkeistä raskaat tai sitten kuntoni on yksinkertaisesti huonontunut. Veikkaan ja pelkään jälkimmäistä... Heti kun saan jalan kuntoon, alan taas käymään tehokkaasti salilla.




Päivitystä:

Söin sittenkin, hyi vittu sentään. Kokonaiskaloreiksi tuli 930kcal, mikä ei kai silleen oo paljon hassua et söin jonkun 15min aikana saman verran ku olin aiemmin koko päivänä syönyt. Söin juustoa ja meetvurstia, et onneksi hiilarit pysyivät sentään kurissa. Taas kyllä nähtiin että läski mikä läski!

torstai 24. heinäkuuta 2008

Turning points


I miss my friends. It’s been 5 weeks now that I’ve been trapped here at my parents’ house in the middle of nowhere. I don’t know if I mentioned it earlier, but my leg is broken and right now I couldn’t live alone so that’s why I’m here. I’m just so frustrated and I miss everyone and everything so bad that it hurts.

In a way I’m happy that I can now concentrate fully on school stuff and losing weight so that I’ll look good when I go back home but… let’s just say that I’m not the type of a girl who spends her nights at home watching TV. I’m just not used to this.

This experience (the accident, breaking my leg) has taught me a lot though. Now I can appreciate everything I before took for granted. A simple thing like walking… Oh my God I would give everything just to be able to walk again! Or to bend my knee. Or to wear high heels. Though I know this is nothing compared to what could’ve happened, I mean if I had hit the wall at a different angle, I would be dead or paralyzed now, but still these 5 weeks have been really hard.

I guess this was inevitable, though. Maybe if you don’t know how to calm down yourself, something has to happen to make you calm down, take a step back and reconsider your choices. I’ve sure as hell done that… Though I can honestly say that I don’t regret anything. I made the choice to bum a ride from that guy but it was a choice I would’ve probably made in any circumstances. I would be lying if I said I didn’t have any “what if”-thoughts because I do. Sometimes I lie awake for hours, thinking about what I should’ve done and what could’ve been. That’s pointless, I know, but I guess it’s also natural.

I just want everything to go back to normal, I want my life back. It’s going to take at least another 5 weeks, probably even more, before I can move like I used to though my leg is never going be completely ‘normal’. I’m not exactly sure yet what was the lesson I’m supposed to learn from this but maybe I’ll find out eventually. At least, like I said, I’ve learned to appreciate what I have (or rather, had). So dear readers (if I got any), I suggest you all do voluntarily what I was forced to do… Take a step back and take a look at your life. It’s not that bad, is it?

keskiviikko 23. heinäkuuta 2008

a more personal note



I just had this wild craving for chocolate and cookies. I went to the kitchen to get some and just as I was reaching for the cookies, my hand froze and there was a voice inside my head telling me to stop it. I started thinking. Do I really need the cookies or the chocolate? How do I benefit from eating them? Is it really worth it? I decided that it's not.

I left the kitchen empty-handed and proud of myself. Before, I would've probably just taken the freaking cookies but now I'm sick of being a fat pig who can't control herself and spends her nights munching chocolate and cookies and getting fat. I don't want to be like that anymore.

Today I've eaten around 800 kcal, which I know is too little. Though considering that I can't exercise (a broken leg), I burn approximately 1500kcal a day. The deficit is only ~600kcal, which isn't that much. I try to keep my calories below 1000kcal but it's not the end of the world if every now and then I eat 1000-1300kcal.

I eat like a person with an ED but really I don't think I have one. My ideal body is like that in the picture, lean yet muscular and feminine. I don't want to be a skeleton, I'd rather look healthy and sporty. I'm going to change my eating habits again when I start exercising, but right now I'm dead scared of gaining weight.

7 deadly sins: Gluttony

Inspired by the name of this blog, I decided to pay some attention to the legendary seven deadly sins. I’m going to start with the one that I consider the most despicable of them all – gluttony. Defined in Wikipedia as “the over-indulgence and overconsumption of anything to the point of waste”, gluttony is usually taken to mean excessive consumption of food. It is the sin that is behind the rapidly spreading epidemic of obesity.

Gluttony is closely connected to greed. Nothing is ever enough, we’re never satisfied. Nowadays we have a surplus of almost every kind of food and to talk of over-consumption of it would be an understatement. This is the least trendy and yet the most common of the seven sins – visible everywhere but yet people do their best to hide it and are ashamed of it.

Gluttony is the one sin I have no desire of trying. It disgusts me more than I can even express with words and I’m sure that everyone who is as obsessed with beauty as I am can understand what I mean. Overconsumption of food is what makes you fat. It is, like said in Wikipedia’s definition, a waste. Obesity brings with it so much negative consequences – both social and even economical – that I’d say that it’s no wonder some of us decide to go for the other extreme, meaning the admiration of skinniness. Not that it’s completely risk-free or anything, of course not, but I’d rather be extremely skinny than extremely fat.

It’s just that in these days gluttony is made too easy. While before being fat was a sign of wealth, now it’s a sign of a lack of self-discipline. It is no longer the sin of the privileged, it has been brought down to the common people and like everything commonplace – it has become crude and lost its glamour. Which is good. What I find strange, though, is that how can obesity be so common even though it is so despised?


tiistai 22. heinäkuuta 2008

X-files


Something happened a few days ago that made me contemplate on exes and wonder why after such a long time, some of them still manage to arouse so much emotion in me. It doesn’t happen with all of them, of course. Some relationships just die and exes are left where they belong, the x-file. With some, however, the fire never quite goes out. You may move on, date other people and continue your life but every now and then the Ex pops out from somewhere and you’re once again caught between emotion and logic, old and new. Part of you wants to go back, wants to live the good ol’ times again. The other (rational) part of you tells you to forget and move on, reminding you of past mistakes.

I confess: I am still seeing my ex every now and then. We have a casual, friends-with-benefits type of relationship, which in practice means seeing each other couple of times a month and having wild sex. Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy every minute of it, but sometimes I can’t help but wonder whether I’m doing myself more harm than good by continuing something than can never become a real relationship. I try not to smile when he texts me, I try my best not to answer every booty call of his, but still I do. It scares me that someone can affect me like that even after I’ve seen the worst of him, after having my heart broken by him 2 years ago.

Most people say that once you’re through with someone, you’re through. Going back only hurts more and results in nothing. That is true in a way but then again, shouldn’t we believe in second chances? And isn’t it a sign of something greater if you go back to someone time after time? And even if it didn’t work out, the one thing I’ve learned is that SPARKS are rare. It’s not every day that you meet someone with whom you see sparks and fireworks. That’s passion and you can either consume it until it wears out or long for it for the rest of your life. I may not know much but I know one thing: life is too short for regrets. Whether it is a relationship gone bad or a wrong decision (whether there are 'wrong' and 'right' decisions can be questioned...), one should live their life without having to regret anything.

As for me, well I guess I’ll keep seeing him. That something that I referred to in the first paragraph… Well, a few days ago I found out that he’s been with someone I know. Of course I always knew he was seeing other people, and so am I, but still it… It doesn’t hurt, really, but it gives me this funny feeling. Though I know he’ll come back to me because that’s just how it goes.

maanantai 21. heinäkuuta 2008

"Nothing tastes as good as thin feels"




I'm starting this blog with an old wisdom. "Nothing tastes as good as thin feels". The more I think about that statement, the more I agree with it. We live in a world where there is plenty of everything - or at least here in Western countries. The pleasure one gets from eating has been diminished because it is more common to eat well than restrict ones food intake. The truth is that a lot of things lose their appeal once they become too common.

Being thin represents to many self-discipline. Control over oneself, being able to do something that not everyone can do. It gives exquisite pleasure and like all things exquisite - it can be addictive. I don't see myself as someone with an eating disorder but I can honestly say that I'm pretty close. The logic I use is that if you're not in control of yourself, you can't be in control of anything else either. There are times in life when everything is a mess and nothing's going right and it's times like those when you need to look inside instead of trying to put the blame on something else.

The name of my blog is "Wild joys and wilder sins", a phrase taken from The Picture of Dorian Gray by Oscar Wilde, my all-time favourite novel. I reread it a while ago and it has made me want to return to the Hellenistic ideal. Senses alone can cure the soul and the pursuit of passion should be the main goal in life. Of course in today's world it is not exactly smart to take it literally and to the extreme but I think it's like going back to basics.

To be honest, I don't really know what I'm going to write about in this blog. Occasionally about eating issues, that's for sure, but other than that I guess I'm just going to write about whatever is on my mind at the moment.