keskiviikko 24. syyskuuta 2008


My UCAS application to Cambridge, Warwick and Durham universities is leaving on the 15th October. I wrote my personal statement yesterday and sent it to my teacher today so that he can read it. I got my reference from my economics teacher today. It’s all slowly coming together and yesterday when I was writing the personal statement, I realized that I’m writing something that could change my life. The moment I’ve dreamt of for so long is finally here, I’m finally applying to Cambridge. It’s scary.

It’s kind of funny how you can dream about something for years, be absolutely sure that it is what you want to do. But then you get closer and closer to that dream of yours and suddenly find yourself having second thoughts. Is this really what I want? Will this make me happy? What do I want from my life? These questions have plagued me since yesterday and I can’t get rid of them.

I’ve been thinking about Finland, about finding a guy and settling down, going to a good Finnish university… It would be so much easier but I have the feeling that in the end it wouldn’t be enough. If I gave up now, I would definitely regret it for the rest of my life. It just sucks that I can’t afford to build a life here. I have less than a year left, if I fall in love or something, leaving would hurt like hell. It might even hinder me altogether from leaving, which would be the worst-case scenario.

I’m so confused. I’m now working on building my future and of course I want to be the best I can be, go to the best university and have the life I’ve always dreamt of. Yet I don’t know if it’ll be worth it. What if I end up all alone, with only a law degree from Cambridge and a great job? What if I’m never satisfied, what if I’ll always be searching for something? Is that the life I want?

I guess only time will tell where I’ll end up. Now I’m going to complete my application, study hard for the finals and then keep my fingers crossed. If I get in, great. If I don’t, I’ll take a gap year anyway so I’ll just apply again next year.

2 kommenttia:

Kaisa kirjoitti...

You just can't plan everything. Life has a funny habit of just happening :D Anyways, good luck with the application! In a way I'm still a bit bitter (and angry at myself) for never applying to the UK; with my matrix-results I could've gotten in to the best unis there (well, maybe not Oxbridge), but somehow I think I thought studying in the UK was my sister's thing and I had to figure out what my thing was. Nevertheless, I'm quite happy where I am now. And you never know where life takes you..:)

alyzzae kirjoitti...

True... I guess in the end i've always been a bit of a 'go with the flow'-type and so far it's served me well. It's just all getting so serious and the older i get the more responsibility i have to take and the decisions i make have greater impact on my life. I wish it was all simple like it was, say, 2-3 years ago.

Btw. When will u be back in karppifoorumi? :D