keskiviikko 29. lokakuuta 2008

The end of innocence

The Ex started talking to me yesterday on facebook. It was so random. We haven't talked in about 3 months and now it was suddenly like we were good friends or something! I know exactly what he wants and what he aims at but still it kinda caught me off guard.

I don't know what to think about him. I don't think I have any feelings for him anymore but if I see him and we have fun (like we always do), I might fall for him again. I know that it's a risk I definitely shouldn't take but part of me wants to. It's the old pattern once again... I get my ass kicked by other guys, what do I do? I go back to the Ex and get my ass kicked by him. Healthy? No.

I honestly don't know what it is that makes me go back to him time and time again. He's got charisma, that's for sure, and we have a long history but you'd think I'd learned something during the years I've spent with him. You'd think I knew by now that he's sooo not good for me. Maybe I want him because we're so alike. Selfish and shrewd, that's what we are. Plus, he's leaving in 6 months. I'm leaving in 7-8 months.

I remember when we first met. It was about 2 years ago, on my balcony at my house party. He slept over and we spent the whole night just talking and laughing. If I could go back in time, I would go back to that night and the weeks that followed it. I wouldn't get so attached to him and I wouldn't be so naive. Though then again, would it change anything? Would I just be left with one great experience less?

I have to say that I don't really regret the time I spent with him. I learned a lot, mainly about how love is not all sunshine and daisies. Maybe I became even too cynical, learning to build a wall around my heart so I wouldn't get hurt again. Even if I hadn't met him, I would probably have done the same mistakes with someone else. It would've taken more time but I would have grown up all the same.

I've never been known for being cautious or for thinking things through before doing something. That might be why... well, I might be seeing him on Saturday.

sunnuntai 19. lokakuuta 2008


Just a quick morning update, felt like writing something...

I had about 3 hours of sleep last night, went to bed around 2am and woke up at 5am. Yet I don't feel that tired. I've had 2 cups of coffee and a caffeine pill....

We had a week off school last week, the autumn holiday, and that went by way too fast. I did some school stuff but apart from that, I just slept and partied. Not exactly as relaxing a holiday as I would've liked but who cares, I had fun. I even did something I never thought I'd do. I tried speed... I know I said earlier that I won't touch anything harder than weed but shit happens. Luckily it was from the pharmacist, some ADD-medication. I took like one fourth of a pill, sniffed it like people usually sniff cocaine and the result was merely that I had waaaay too much energy. I think I fell asleep around 10am (and I was really exhausted before that, I'd just come back from a cruise and from there went straight to a bar).

It was neither a positive or a negative experience. I'm happy that I only took so little, otherwise I'd probably still be high :D I guess that was just something I had to try sooner or later, I'm glad I did it at home with a friend rather than in a bar with a stranger or something.

Otherwise there's not really much to tell about my life. I still party too much, still have absolutely no moral and so on. I just wish I could calm down. I've reached the point where I want something solid, something real, to hold on to. I want to get my life in order but I don't know where to start... During the week it's relatively easy with school and everything but during the weekends all hell breaks loose. I always have fun but really, for how long can I keep living like this? For how long can a person just drift through life like I do?

keskiviikko 15. lokakuuta 2008

lose-lose situation

I bit the apple. I got a taste of the bliss of being in a relationship and have been doomed ever since.

I'm usually extremely emotionally stable. I have mood swings but only those closest to me even notice them. I don't fall in love. I rarely even have a crush. I don't do all that 'he broke my heart'-stuff. Yet, these past couple of weeks have been a real emotional rollercoaster. I think I started to get attached to the Guy. Seriously. I didn't fall head over heels in love but I got attached and I was really starting to like him. BUT of course he decided to get back together with his ugly bitch of a girlfriend.

I would so like to hate him now but I just can't. I understand why he chose her. I mean, he's known her for so much longer, they have a history. I'm new in his life and even though I think he finds me refreshing and somehow 'exotic', I don't think I'm really what he's looking for. Plus, I'm leaving in less than a year and he knows that. He's even bitched about it :D
We still talk almost every day, though. I was even at his place this weekend and slept in his bed, in his arms. It sucks that I KNOW he has feelings for me but of course he can't do anything about them. For me, it's a lose-lose situation because if I continue spending so much time with him, I might fall for him. And I can't get him. But if I move on, I'll be alone and left with absolutely nothing. Is it better to hold on to a friendship, hoping it'll turn into something more, or move on and risk being alone?

He said to me once that I think too much. He was right. Once again I'm confusing myself, pondering things that I really have no control over. I hate that he affects me like this. I hate that I let myself get so attached to him but I guess that's just how life is. I have to quote a text message that my best friend once sent me when I was all depressed over how my ex treated me:
"I hate that he hurts u. cause hes not worth it. hes just one of those ppl u just fuck n thats it, but u got so attached to him... n its way too easy to do so. but hey, even us players we hav our weaknesses."

That's so true, my friend is a wise little girl. Maybe I should just go back to that 'sex without feelings'-thing. It was so easy. You got laid but never had to worry about all this exhausting emotional stuff. Though then again, I don't really want to go back. I guess I've grown up too much, it just doesn't feel the same anymore. I just wish I'd get my Guy and be able to spend happy 8 months with him before I leave Finland for good.