keskiviikko 26. marraskuuta 2008

that little something

It’s decent, but it’s not brilliant.”

That’s what my teacher said about my essay. Or actually, a collection of essays/commentaries. He said they were all lacking that something, that little something that distinguishes 7 from 5-6 (in IB 7 is the best grade you can get). I have to admit that I was at first a bit shocked, then devastated, then disappointed. I had always thought those essays were good and I was especially happy with the latest one. But apparently it just wasn’t enough.

I know I shouldn’t take it so seriously but I’m sending that latest essay to Cambridge. They don’t want decent, they want brilliant. They don’t want above average, they want the best. What if I can’t be the best, no matter how hard I try? I know it’s impossible to always be perfect but I truly thought that economics was something I was exceptionally good at. And now I find out that I’m “decent”.

I’m feeling so low at the moment. It’s like nothing I do is enough, will never be enough. There will always be someone who has that extra ‘something’ that I don’t. So what’s left? Will I be stuck as the second best for the rest of my life?

I really should start taking studies more seriously. I got an invitation to an interview at Cambridge, if they make me an offer I want to be worth it. It would suck so bad to get an offer and then not being able to meet the requirements. It’s just… Well, I want it SO bad. Oxbridge has been my dream for God knows how long, at least 5 years. Now I’m so close to getting there but also so close to screwing it up. And I don’t want to screw it up (d’uh).

I honestly don’t know what to do, how to get my life in order and everything under control. I’m at school for 8 hours every single day and most of the lessons are a complete waste of time. After school I do school work, go to the gym or to my friend’s place for a coffee. During the weekends I party and get wasted (and do nothing useful). I’m not getting anywhere right now and the stress is killing me. I don’t sleep, I drink tons of coffee, I skip school every now and then, I drink too much alcohol, eat the wrong things etc… You get the picture. Everything is just swirling in my head, a big confusing mess and I have no idea how to deal with it. I seriously need a break.

People say I’m too hard on myself but I disagree. What I want from myself is not unrealistic; other people want and expect it from me too. It’s really up to me whether I can fulfill all the expectations, whether I have it in me to push myself that one extra step. It’s just frustrating to know that I have all the potential in the world but sometimes it’s so hard to unlock it. And if I can’t unlock, I’ll be stuck at “decent” and “decent” students/people don’t get offers from Cambridge.

(Btw seems like all I ever do is complain. Maybe a change in attitude is in order, aye?)

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