keskiviikko 15. lokakuuta 2008

lose-lose situation

I bit the apple. I got a taste of the bliss of being in a relationship and have been doomed ever since.

I'm usually extremely emotionally stable. I have mood swings but only those closest to me even notice them. I don't fall in love. I rarely even have a crush. I don't do all that 'he broke my heart'-stuff. Yet, these past couple of weeks have been a real emotional rollercoaster. I think I started to get attached to the Guy. Seriously. I didn't fall head over heels in love but I got attached and I was really starting to like him. BUT of course he decided to get back together with his ugly bitch of a girlfriend.

I would so like to hate him now but I just can't. I understand why he chose her. I mean, he's known her for so much longer, they have a history. I'm new in his life and even though I think he finds me refreshing and somehow 'exotic', I don't think I'm really what he's looking for. Plus, I'm leaving in less than a year and he knows that. He's even bitched about it :D
We still talk almost every day, though. I was even at his place this weekend and slept in his bed, in his arms. It sucks that I KNOW he has feelings for me but of course he can't do anything about them. For me, it's a lose-lose situation because if I continue spending so much time with him, I might fall for him. And I can't get him. But if I move on, I'll be alone and left with absolutely nothing. Is it better to hold on to a friendship, hoping it'll turn into something more, or move on and risk being alone?

He said to me once that I think too much. He was right. Once again I'm confusing myself, pondering things that I really have no control over. I hate that he affects me like this. I hate that I let myself get so attached to him but I guess that's just how life is. I have to quote a text message that my best friend once sent me when I was all depressed over how my ex treated me:
"I hate that he hurts u. cause hes not worth it. hes just one of those ppl u just fuck n thats it, but u got so attached to him... n its way too easy to do so. but hey, even us players we hav our weaknesses."

That's so true, my friend is a wise little girl. Maybe I should just go back to that 'sex without feelings'-thing. It was so easy. You got laid but never had to worry about all this exhausting emotional stuff. Though then again, I don't really want to go back. I guess I've grown up too much, it just doesn't feel the same anymore. I just wish I'd get my Guy and be able to spend happy 8 months with him before I leave Finland for good.

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