sex, drugs and rock n roll

What the hell is happening to me??

Yesterday I was at a friend’s home party. She lives really close so I thought that I could drink a little. Well, I did, and I even smoked some weed. It was supposed like the good old times but… it wasn’t. Something was missing and I really don’t know what. Maybe it was because I didn’t drink that much, maybe because I couldn’t dance or anything, I don’t know. I just know that it didn’t feel like it used to.

I was relaxed and the company was okay, mainly people from my class + some random dudes. Yet I felt strangely detached of it all, I just couldn’t have fun like I used to. I hope things will go back to normal when I can walk normally again. It’s not like partying is the most important thing in my life or anything but it’s my way of having fun, of relaxing. I want that good feeling back; I want to be the life of the party again.

My friend in Australia has apparently taken a liking to acid and pills. I don’t really know what to think about it. I mean, I do weed, but I’ve never touched anything ‘heavier’ and I probably never will. Weed is after all pretty harmless, no more dangerous than cigarettes or alcohol. Acid on the other hand… well, I guess it’s acceptable every now and then in a party or something but my friend just said that she’d been tripping out at school, some after-effect of acid. I don’t want her to get herself into any kind of trouble… Thank god she’s coming back here in a couple of months, the drug culture here is a bit different and stuff like acid is harder to get.

I’m starting an extreme diet today. It’s nothing special, just controlling what I eat more carefully than before, not eating if I don’t know what the food contains etc. We’ll see how it goes.

you are what you eat

Food is essential for survival, that is a fact. If you consume more than you burn, you will gain weight and vice versa. We all know these simple truths and should also know how to apply them, i.e. eat sensibly. Yet it seems that an increasing number of people are having trouble with eating, some eating too much and some too little. What exactly is it that makes eating – an everyday task – so difficult?

What we eat affects the way we look, thus affecting the way we feel about ourselves and how other people see us. The food that we consume shapes us, affecting everything from our body to our mind. There is no denying that food is an important part of life, “we are what we eat”. In a society that admires will power and self-control it is natural that food intake should be controlled so that we could decide exactly what we become. However it’s not always that easy.

My personal relationship with food is a complicated one. I see food as a ‘necessary evil’ that one needs to survive. I’m often disgusted by food that I consider unhealthy and I hate myself if I’ve let it slip and eaten too much. Yet I respect my body and want to give it sufficient and good nutrition. I want to be healthy and I understand that food is an essential part of health. Even though I want to be thin and would do anything to get there, I would never ever starve myself with, say, 100kcal/day or something, I find that extremely stupid.

I count the calories, carbs, fat and protein of every single bite I take. I can’t eat it if I don’t know what it contains. I got this small scale a few days back and I’ve been using it to weigh everything I eat so that I know exactly how much I’ve consumed during the day. I know it shouldn’t be like this, I know that eating shouldn’t be made that complicated but I can’t help it. In some weird way I’ve become obsessed with this control.

Back to the original question: What makes eating so difficult? Well, I really don’t know. Maybe when everything else seems to be spiraling out of control, it is only natural to turn to food. What you put in your mouth is up to you, you control it. The feeling of power, of total control, is exhilarating.

Reunion

Once again I realized just how much I’d missed my best friends.

They dropped by before & after school (I didn’t go to school today) and everything was like it used to be, just the 3 of us smoking on the balcony and talking shit. I've seen both of them after I got home but this was the first time in ages that we were all united again.
One of my best guy friends also visited, I haven’t seen him all summer… It was nice talking to him after 2 whole months, he's one of those people that truly get me, he's like the brother I never had.

After they left I’ve just been surfing the net, sleeping and drinking tea. I have a doctor’s appointment tomorrow and I’m really really scared. It might be that nothing’s happened yet and that I need to wait for another 2 months before I can start strengthening the leg. That would be devastating but after my last visit to the doctor I’ve learned to be prepared for the worst. Of course, the leg may also have strengthened on its own and started healing – you never know. I guess I’ll just have to go there without any expectations whatsoever because apparently when it comes to my leg, nothing goes as planned -_-

I really don’t have any deep or philosophical thoughts right now. I’m happy because I got such great friends and I’m scared as hell because I got a doctor’s appointment tomorrow.

food

This is seriously getting out of hand. Today I spent 30min in front of the mirror squeezing my stomach and thighs and looking at how fat I am until I just couldn’t stand it anymore and started crying. Yesterday I was still happy about my friends’ comments (they said I’d lost weight) but now I feel merely awful because if I have lost weight and I’m still this fat, that means I was HUGE before.

I also read some other peoples’ food diaries and had some interesting reactions… Whenever there were people eating less than me, I was angry and jealous – mad at myself for being such a pig and jealous of them eating so little and yet being healthy. And mind you, these were ‘normal’ (mainly low carb) food diaries. I just couldn’t help it! I mean, I want to stay healthy, I want to keep my muscles and all but I just feel so disgusted whenever I eat.

Each day it’s getting harder and harder to eat enough fat and enough calories. I stuff it down my throat because I know I need it but at the same time my mind is screaming “nooooooooooo!” and afterwards I sit staring at the empty plate, feeling sick and disgusted with myself. This is not normal and it’s scaring the heck out of me.

I think maybe now that I can’t party, see friends, exercise or work anymore, food has taken their place. Before the accident I had so much stuff keeping me busy, I couldn’t focus so much on food – and I didn’t even want to! Now the accident took all those things away and they left a big hole in my life. Somehow I ended up filling it with food. Not literally though, I’m so glad I’ve never really binged. It’s just not my thing…

So probably this strange infatuation will go away once I get my old life back. At least I hope so.

Lost

I was all set to write this really angsty and depressed post about how everything sucks and nothing feels right anymore when suddenly I stopped and thought: “what the hell??” I realized that I really have nothing to complain about, at least nothing real. I got my heart broken – once again- today and does it feel bad? Yes, but is it worth getting all depressed over? No. I feel a bit down and stress about my leg and school but are things always going to be like this? No, if I don’t let them.

Getting depressed and angsting only makes me feel worse because I sure like to wallow in self-pity. That in turn makes me even sadder. So it’s a vicious cycle and it prevents me from seeing the good side of things. The guy was an asshole – he’s always been and I’ve always known that. I shouldn’t let him affect me like this because he really isn’t worth it. If he gets in touch with me again, maybe we’ll sort this out, but for now I shouldn’t be bothered with him.

I’m going to walk again. It may take months but eventually I’ll be able to walk and like the doctor said, it can be improved with surgeries. It’s a long process but if I give up now, it’s only going to be longer. It may hurt like hell to be forced to walk with crutches right now, to have wasted half of the summer, but I learned heck of a lot during the time I spent first in the hospital and then at my parents’ place. I’ve really grown up during these couple of months or so.

As for school, well, I have time tomorrow and the day after tomorrow, I can finish my history essay then and after that just take it day by day, start actually doing my homework and be a bit more active. That should be enough for me to do at least reasonably well in the finals. I may never get those 40-something points but even if I don’t, I know I’ll do well just because I always do.

I feel a bit out of place here, just like I did at my parents’ place. I thought the feeling would go away when I got home and it did, but now it’s back again. I guess it’s the ground burning under feet. I feel like I don’t belong here anymore, it’s not the same anymore. I can’t wait to get out of this place, this city, this country, next year when I’m taking a gap year. I don’t know if it’ll help, though. It’s always been like this, ever since I was little, I was always longing for something different. Maybe I’ll never stop feeling like this, never quite belong anywhere for good.

I think the empty feeling in my stomach (that has nothing to do with hunger lol) has a lot to do with my leg right now. Not being able to go wherever I want and do the things I want makes me long for a change of scenery, unconsciously thinking that somewhere else things would be better. Even though, reasonably thought, they wouldn’t. They’d even be worse since here at least I have my friends and loved ones. This makes things harder because it’s me myself that I have to battle. I know I can’t change the way things are right now but it’s so hard to actually make me believe it.

I… I can’t quite even describe everything that’s going on inside my head at the moment. Regret, shame, anger, helplessness… I’m not used to things being so out of control. I thought coming home would somehow make everything so much easier but apparently I was wrong. This is not something that can be fixed by physically escaping, like I’ve done all my life. This is something that has to be suffered through.

Realizing the inevitability of all this really helps. I just feel dull when I don’t try to fight it but at least it’s better than constant depression and angst. The things I wrote about earlier – the guy, school – are insignificant compared to this because they’re something that I can affect. That’s why I feel a bit silly now for angsting over them so much earlier today…

I’m a bit messed up. I need to do some serious soul-searching, stop for a moment and face my demons; eventually (hopefully) I’ll be able to understand this whole situation a bit better.

Perfection

Perfection is subjective. Some people see a really thin body as ‘perfect’, others’ ideal is a more muscular form. There are even people out there who think obesity is perfection. There are as many opinions as there are people.

My perfection is something that I can’t quite describe with words. It’s happiness, balance, beauty, achieving one’s goals, ambition… My ideal self is 10kg thinner than I am now, she’s the top of her class, she works hard but has fun also, she’s got lots of friends, she always looks pretty, and she sets herself big goals and achieves them… Basically my ideal self is the kind of girl that people look at and wonder how she can do all that and still be so perfect. I know I can be that person if I just want it enough.

I made a little list of how I’m going to improve my life this coming autumn:

* wake up earlier

* keep my apartment clean

* keep my nails pretty

* eat less & healthy

* study harder

* meet new people

* do my best to heal my leg

That’s about it. I know I can be whatever I want to be, it just takes some work. I just want to get my life under control again…

What I find frustrating is that many people complain about how they can never achieve this and that kind of body, can never get that dream job, can never make enough money. I think they’re just lazy. I mean, life’s all about choices and the choices you make determine what your life’s going to be like. Not all choices are easy and sometimes you need to work hard to get what you want but nevertheless it is possible. It is possible to get the body you’ve always dreamt of or get a job you love.

I got to thinking about perfection and its definition today because I realized that I’m nowhere close to being happy about how my life’s turned out. I’m not happy with the way I look, my grades are not good enough, and my self-discipline is not good enough. I really need to stop wasting my life and try harder to be the best I can be.

The picture above is soo old and apparently very popular among proanas but I thought it fit this post really well… Below is Kate Moss, now she’s perfect.

laws of attraction

I guess it wasn't really right
I guess it wasn't meant to be
It didn't matter what they said
'Cause we were good in bed
I guess I stuck around so I could watch us fight
for all the wrong reasons
No, it didn't matter what I tried
It's just a little hard to leave
When you're going down on me
I guess I stuck around so I could watch us fight
for all the wrong reasons

Nickelback – fight for all the wrong reasons

That’s my song for tonight. I find myself once again bound to the one person I should’ve left behind ages ago but who I’m still addicted to. It’s funny, really, how we can do practically anything to each other and yet we still always get back together. It’s not love, no, it’s just some sort of fucked up friendship/addiction/affection.

I guess I really used to care for him once. I even thought I was in love and then got my heart broken when he treated me like shit. Now, however, I’ve learned to see things for what they really are. I don’t have any illusions concerning our ‘relationship’ and, surprisingly, I’m happier this way. It’s just so easy. We get along better than well, the sex is good and we trust each other. What more could a girl want?

Being with him is thrilling because he’s the type of a guy who has absolutely no morals. What we do is indecent but we couldn’t care less because it feels good and it’s so much fun and makes us feel alive. We tried a ‘real relationship’ once but it didn’t work, I never felt like I do now. I guess we’re both just too commitment phobic or maybe too similar, it just wasn’t right.

In a way it’s scary that this has been going on for 2 years now. I really don’t even know what it is that attracts me to him, there’s just this… this strange pull that makes me want him. One of the reasons why I’m so picky when it comes to boyfriends or such is that I’m always searching for that special something. I’ve been out with some really nice and perfect guys but the sparks have always been missing. With him, however, I can feel the sparks. Lately they’ve calmed down a bit as we’ve both grown up and we’re more like friends but they’re still there. I’m so used to having those sparks that I won’t settle for anything less and it’s a bit frightening because I know this can’t go on forever – and I wouldn’t even want it to.

I’m probably seeing him on Wednesday. I don’t know if it’s a good idea but frankly, I don’t care. I want to get laid and I think I may even miss him a bit. He’s totally bad for me but so what? We ought to have fun while we can, right?

Arctic Monkeys - cigaretter smoker fiona

Cigarette smoke doesn't hide
As well as you think
And you'd think that it oughta
Act as the perfect disguise
arctic monkeys - cigarette smoker fiona

OMG I NEED A SMOKE!!!!111

i quit smoking after my surgery and during these 7 weeks i've smoked exactly 5 ½ cigarettes. when i was driving around with a friend, i smoked half a cig and threw the rest away because it tasted so bad. then i visited my hometown and smoked 2 cigs at a friends place and one at my workplace with my best friend. then some other friends came to visit me and i bummed 2 cigs. and that's it. honestly i'm suffering right now...

i just finished my extended essay (3700 words) and i'm sooo proud of myself, i want to celebrate this with a cup of coffee and a cigarette on my own little balcony. it was always a habit of mine when i was writing school stuff to take little breaks every now and then to make some coffee or smoke. it calmed me down and it was easier to concentrate. i know i'm not allowed to smoke and i know that these cravings will go away but ahhhhhhhhhhh ! i'd kill for a fag right now.

oh and i spent 500e today internet shopping ^^ nice.

Forbidden fruits

I fought with my mum yesterday and made her cry.

I want to go home earlier as it would be the most convenient solution – I would be able to finish my school stuff and get used to living on my own again. My mum, however, doesn’t want to let me go. The fight was pretty much consisted of me asking ‘why not’ and her giving me the most ridiculous answers (like ‘I know you’d go and get wasted as soon as you get there’ etc). Somehow we ended up yelling at each other, she was calling me an ungrateful brat and I told her that she can’t control me like that anymore and that things are different now. Then I said something (I don’t even know what) and she started crying. I was like great, thanks.

I understand that she wants to protect me. She is my mum after all. However I hate it when people try to protect me, I’ve never needed anyone’s protection and it has always caused just more trouble. Like when I was little, I guess you could say that I was a bit overprotected. Growing up in the countryside, I was never allowed to do what kids elsewhere did. When I finally got friends who lived in town and I started going to school there, all hell broke loose. I even managed to get myself a criminal record at the age of 13… (though my record is clean now since I was under 15 at the time and now I’m already off age)

So to put it shortly, protecting me has always caused more harm than good because I’m the type of a person who always has to do what’s forbidden. Though I guess I’m also the type of a person who people will always want and try to protect. They know about my school grades for example and then when they see me smoking pot, they think I’m throwing my life away and want to save me. Makes sense but what they don’t usually understand is that despite my ‘wild’ lifestyle, I can still take care of myself. I do well at school, I have a job, I’m not addicted to anything, and I’m not dependent on anything… I’m pretty well off, I’d say.

I admit that sometimes I wonder if it’s really possible to have it all. Is it possible to walk the line between success and degradation, to keep ones two lives in balance? For how long can one do that? Every now and then I find myself wanting to succumb wholly to my ‘wild’ side; it would be so much easier and so much more fun. But then again my ambition and reason keep me from doing that. I value education and success too much, plus I’m so conceited that I think dropping out of school would mean wasting my talent. Though I’m also too lazy to concentrate fully on school. I’d go crazy if I had nothing to take my mind off school and work! So my life’s in balance but the question is: for how long can I keep it up?

My relationship with food has taken a turn for the worse lately… I hate food, I hate eating. I feel like shit every time I eat, I can just feel my stomach getting bigger and bigger. I know I should eat more and today I’ve eaten pretty sensibly but it doesn’t feel good. I wish I had something to take my mind off of food, to make me forget about it. Right now I just can’t stop thinking about it and no matter what I eat it’s always too much and wrong.