torstai 7. elokuuta 2008


I was all set to write this really angsty and depressed post about how everything sucks and nothing feels right anymore when suddenly I stopped and thought: “what the hell??” I realized that I really have nothing to complain about, at least nothing real. I got my heart broken – once again- today and does it feel bad? Yes, but is it worth getting all depressed over? No. I feel a bit down and stress about my leg and school but are things always going to be like this? No, if I don’t let them.

Getting depressed and angsting only makes me feel worse because I sure like to wallow in self-pity. That in turn makes me even sadder. So it’s a vicious cycle and it prevents me from seeing the good side of things. The guy was an asshole – he’s always been and I’ve always known that. I shouldn’t let him affect me like this because he really isn’t worth it. If he gets in touch with me again, maybe we’ll sort this out, but for now I shouldn’t be bothered with him.

I’m going to walk again. It may take months but eventually I’ll be able to walk and like the doctor said, it can be improved with surgeries. It’s a long process but if I give up now, it’s only going to be longer. It may hurt like hell to be forced to walk with crutches right now, to have wasted half of the summer, but I learned heck of a lot during the time I spent first in the hospital and then at my parents’ place. I’ve really grown up during these couple of months or so.

As for school, well, I have time tomorrow and the day after tomorrow, I can finish my history essay then and after that just take it day by day, start actually doing my homework and be a bit more active. That should be enough for me to do at least reasonably well in the finals. I may never get those 40-something points but even if I don’t, I know I’ll do well just because I always do.

I feel a bit out of place here, just like I did at my parents’ place. I thought the feeling would go away when I got home and it did, but now it’s back again. I guess it’s the ground burning under feet. I feel like I don’t belong here anymore, it’s not the same anymore. I can’t wait to get out of this place, this city, this country, next year when I’m taking a gap year. I don’t know if it’ll help, though. It’s always been like this, ever since I was little, I was always longing for something different. Maybe I’ll never stop feeling like this, never quite belong anywhere for good.

I think the empty feeling in my stomach (that has nothing to do with hunger lol) has a lot to do with my leg right now. Not being able to go wherever I want and do the things I want makes me long for a change of scenery, unconsciously thinking that somewhere else things would be better. Even though, reasonably thought, they wouldn’t. They’d even be worse since here at least I have my friends and loved ones. This makes things harder because it’s me myself that I have to battle. I know I can’t change the way things are right now but it’s so hard to actually make me believe it.

I… I can’t quite even describe everything that’s going on inside my head at the moment. Regret, shame, anger, helplessness… I’m not used to things being so out of control. I thought coming home would somehow make everything so much easier but apparently I was wrong. This is not something that can be fixed by physically escaping, like I’ve done all my life. This is something that has to be suffered through.

Realizing the inevitability of all this really helps. I just feel dull when I don’t try to fight it but at least it’s better than constant depression and angst. The things I wrote about earlier – the guy, school – are insignificant compared to this because they’re something that I can affect. That’s why I feel a bit silly now for angsting over them so much earlier today…

I’m a bit messed up. I need to do some serious soul-searching, stop for a moment and face my demons; eventually (hopefully) I’ll be able to understand this whole situation a bit better.

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