that little something

”It’s decent, but it’s not brilliant.”

That’s what my teacher said about my essay. Or actually, a collection of essays/commentaries. He said they were all lacking that something, that little something that distinguishes 7 from 5-6 (in IB 7 is the best grade you can get). I have to admit that I was at first a bit shocked, then devastated, then disappointed. I had always thought those essays were good and I was especially happy with the latest one. But apparently it just wasn’t enough.

I know I shouldn’t take it so seriously but I’m sending that latest essay to Cambridge. They don’t want decent, they want brilliant. They don’t want above average, they want the best. What if I can’t be the best, no matter how hard I try? I know it’s impossible to always be perfect but I truly thought that economics was something I was exceptionally good at. And now I find out that I’m “decent”.

I’m feeling so low at the moment. It’s like nothing I do is enough, will never be enough. There will always be someone who has that extra ‘something’ that I don’t. So what’s left? Will I be stuck as the second best for the rest of my life?

I really should start taking studies more seriously. I got an invitation to an interview at Cambridge, if they make me an offer I want to be worth it. It would suck so bad to get an offer and then not being able to meet the requirements. It’s just… Well, I want it SO bad. Oxbridge has been my dream for God knows how long, at least 5 years. Now I’m so close to getting there but also so close to screwing it up. And I don’t want to screw it up (d’uh).

I honestly don’t know what to do, how to get my life in order and everything under control. I’m at school for 8 hours every single day and most of the lessons are a complete waste of time. After school I do school work, go to the gym or to my friend’s place for a coffee. During the weekends I party and get wasted (and do nothing useful). I’m not getting anywhere right now and the stress is killing me. I don’t sleep, I drink tons of coffee, I skip school every now and then, I drink too much alcohol, eat the wrong things etc… You get the picture. Everything is just swirling in my head, a big confusing mess and I have no idea how to deal with it. I seriously need a break.

People say I’m too hard on myself but I disagree. What I want from myself is not unrealistic; other people want and expect it from me too. It’s really up to me whether I can fulfill all the expectations, whether I have it in me to push myself that one extra step. It’s just frustrating to know that I have all the potential in the world but sometimes it’s so hard to unlock it. And if I can’t unlock, I’ll be stuck at “decent” and “decent” students/people don’t get offers from Cambridge.

(Btw seems like all I ever do is complain. Maybe a change in attitude is in order, aye?)

normal vs. ideal

This is seriously getting out of hand again.

I talked to my friends a few days ago and they said they'd been really worried about me and my eating but that nowadays I'm seem so much better and looks like there's nothing to worry about. I should've been relieved and happy... Instead, I immediately started thinking: They think I eat like a normal person. They think I'm gaining weight. They think I'm fat. And maybe I AM. Maybe I'm fucking huge.

So I'm back to a strict diet. I don't want to be getting better, I don't want to eat like normal people do because the way they eat is fucking disgusting. Though I don't want my friends worrying about me either... It would be so much easier if they just kept their noses out of my life because really, the way I eat is none of their business.

What is it that makes KINDNESS such a turn off? If a guy is nice, cute and kind, why is it that we women automatically build up walls against them? Then we fall for players and cry when they hurt us, swearing “never again”.

If I wanted a safe and comfortable relationship, I could probably get it now. The Blonde (lets call him that because he was blond when I first met him) is a nice guy. We get along and he’s totally crazy about me… Some might call this a perfect situation. However, like always, there’s a BUT. This time it is that there are simply no sparks. When we kiss, I don’t feel a thing. When he holds my hand, it’s like holding your friend’s hand.

Another thing is that I think I like my freedom too much right now to even consider starting a real relationship. I love hanging out with the girls, spending the perfect single girl’s life. I don’t know what I really want. And do I really even need to know if I’m happy as it is?