the Guy and my black eye

My weekend has so far been pretty wild… I was in Helsinki, we stayed in a hotel with this guy, met up with people we hadn’t met before, partied like hell and had an awesome time.

I don’t really know what to think about the Guy (I’ll call him that for now). He’s nice, funny, ok-looking and everything and last night we sort of had sex. Or rather tried to. It didn’t really work out because I hit my head to a lamp and now I have a black eye and a wound next to my left eye. It bled like crazy, the sheets were spotted with blood and the towels I used to stop the bleeding were a bloody mess!

I’m never drinking again because it seems that something always happens to me. Things just have a tendency of getting out of hand and I always end up injured one way or another. Lol, it sucks so bad.

But yeah, back to the Guy. We had so much fun and he told me he really liked me and all. I don’t know what to think about it. Am I ready for something serious? Am I ready to take the risks I talked about earlier? As you can see, I’m stuck pondering the same questions again and again. Now I feel like I want to give him a chance. It’s not every day that I find myself liking someone this much.

I’m just afraid that I’ll end up getting hurt. I’ve had such bad experiences with relationships that I’m almost 100% sure that something will go wrong and it won’t work out and I’ll be left with my heart broken (oh my god how sentimental I sound right now!) once again. But I guess the only way to find out is to take the risk and you never know, it might all turn out great.

I hate this waiting-part. Waiting for him to call/text, waiting for him to say something that might give me some idea of what he’s thinking… I know I should just call or text him myself but I have to admit: I’m a coward when it comes to this sort of stuff. One night stands, friendships, dealing with people I don’t like – a piece of cake. When I actually like someone, it’s so different because I’m not used to it. I’ve never been tamed, so to speak, so I don’t know how it happens.

I’m not even thinking about other guys right now. Usually I at least keep my eyes open and so forth but now I just think about him and it’s so weird.

But ok, enough about my love life. I’m just making it too complicated by thinking about it too much.

My eating has taken a turn for worse once again. I skip meals, make up excuses so I don’t have to eat, I panic if my calories go over 1300kcal. It’s sick, I know, and it shouldn’t be like that but I can’t help it. I can’t even say that I got too much time on my hands like I did during the summer. I’m really busy with everything but yet I always make time to calculate exactly what and how much I’ve eaten. My weight has dropped a bit which is great. I was even wearing this little “top” (or actually it’s more like a bra) yesterday and walking around in it and sweat pants because for once I felt like I can show off my stomach. The Guy was even stroking it this morning and I didn’t even mind or feel fat. Still I want and I need to lose some more weight.

Cambridge

My UCAS application to Cambridge, Warwick and Durham universities is leaving on the 15th October. I wrote my personal statement yesterday and sent it to my teacher today so that he can read it. I got my reference from my economics teacher today. It’s all slowly coming together and yesterday when I was writing the personal statement, I realized that I’m writing something that could change my life. The moment I’ve dreamt of for so long is finally here, I’m finally applying to Cambridge. It’s scary.

It’s kind of funny how you can dream about something for years, be absolutely sure that it is what you want to do. But then you get closer and closer to that dream of yours and suddenly find yourself having second thoughts. Is this really what I want? Will this make me happy? What do I want from my life? These questions have plagued me since yesterday and I can’t get rid of them.

I’ve been thinking about Finland, about finding a guy and settling down, going to a good Finnish university… It would be so much easier but I have the feeling that in the end it wouldn’t be enough. If I gave up now, I would definitely regret it for the rest of my life. It just sucks that I can’t afford to build a life here. I have less than a year left, if I fall in love or something, leaving would hurt like hell. It might even hinder me altogether from leaving, which would be the worst-case scenario.

I’m so confused. I’m now working on building my future and of course I want to be the best I can be, go to the best university and have the life I’ve always dreamt of. Yet I don’t know if it’ll be worth it. What if I end up all alone, with only a law degree from Cambridge and a great job? What if I’m never satisfied, what if I’ll always be searching for something? Is that the life I want?

I guess only time will tell where I’ll end up. Now I’m going to complete my application, study hard for the finals and then keep my fingers crossed. If I get in, great. If I don’t, I’ll take a gap year anyway so I’ll just apply again next year.

MEN !

Men.

Why is it that with men everything is always so goddamn complicated!

Right now there is guy1 who is in my class and he’s really smart, nice, funny etc, basically everything a girl can hope for. I guess we have something going on. We talk a lot, a few weeks ago we spent hours freezing our asses off outside, just talking about life and it was really nice. Yet I don’t think I like him in that way, you know. He’s more like a really good friend.

Then there’s guy2 who I talk to nearly every day as well. He’s also smart, nice etc, and I think I feel something for him. The problem is that he broke up with his girlfriend (or actually I don’t think she was an actual gf yet, they’d known each other for a few months or so) about a week ago, it’s way too soon for me to make any moves on him. We might be going to a trip together later this month though ;)

Then there is the Ex. I slept over at his last weekend but that was… well, pretty weird. I just didn’t feel like I used to and I think I might be finally realizing that he’s not that great. He’s a pathological liar and what was so exciting and new about him before is now losing its charm. He’s starting to feel boring. Which is really good, but somehow… I don’t know. I don’t know if I’m ready to let go. It’s been 2 years of on and off, it’s not normal anymore, is it? :D

On the outside there’s no problem but emotionally I feel really torn. I like guy1 a lot but I’m not sure if I’m interested in being anything more than friends. I like guy2 also a lot but then there’s his ex. I don’t know if I like my ‘the Ex’, I don’t know what to say to him when the next booty call comes. I don’t even know if I want a man in my life.

Argh, I’ve always thought that I’m sensible, simple and straightforward when it comes to all this emotional shit. Now I’m really confused, I’m not used to being confused and I’m not used to things getting too complicated. I know I’m in a way creating the problem myself but nevertheless there still IS a problem.

The truth is, as scary as it sounds, I might be ready for a real relationship.

random

First off, I got my driver’s license today! I’ll probably get a car next weekend if we find a suitable one.

Secondly, today I felt – for the first time in months – that life is not that complicated after all. I mean, life’s what you make it and what you want it to be. There’s nothing I can’t do if I really want it enough. I’ve been stressing about school, driving school, finals, looks, weight, my leg, relationships etc etc… but is it really worth it?

No. It isn’t. And I decided to stop this pointless stressing. Of course, a certain amount of stress can be a positive thing but too much is too much. From now on I’m going to just ‘go with the flow’, enjoy life as it is because, really, my life isn’t half bad. I have (almost) everything a girl can want and what I don’t have (like the perfect body) – well, with some hard work, everything is possible.

So people, stop worrying so much and live in the moment (omg I’m turning into a total hippie)

Oh yeah and hope you like the pic. That's definitely my kinda team.

kännissä olet ääliö

I was out without crutches yesterday and DAMN it felt good! I was first at my friend’s bday party, then clubbing in town. Had fun. Got absolutely wasted. Honestly, it’s been ages since the last time I was that drunk. Actually ‘drunk’ is not strong enough a word for the state I was in yesterday…

People make mistakes and I’m no exception. Last night’s mistake was mr. Ex at whose place I ended up. For some reason I wanted to talk to him about us, have an actual lie-free conversation. Of course, that didn’t work. I did ask him what he wanted from me and he said he didn’t know. He’s always like that, avoiding serious conversations… I cant remember what else I said to him or what he said to me but somehow this morning I found myself in his bed. He was sleeping on the floor! Apparently I’d said or done something to piss him off, oops…

Its funny how I’ve been so attached to that guy the past 2 years or so but this time… it was different. I didn’t feel a thing. I still liked talking to him and all but the sparks were gone, this time for good I hope. I used to think I was so independent and strong but in reality it’s me who’s been played, not the other way around. He was the first one to make me feel anything, the first one I really felt drawn to. And he was totally bad for me. I just hope this was it, that I can go on with my life now.

I don’t really remember that much about yesterday. Probably made a complete fool of myself but oh well, it happens. And I should get the day-after-pill, SHIT.

I should probably update more often (if anyone reads this)