a more personal note

I just had this wild craving for chocolate and cookies. I went to the kitchen to get some and just as I was reaching for the cookies, my hand froze and there was a voice inside my head telling me to stop it. I started thinking. Do I really need the cookies or the chocolate? How do I benefit from eating them? Is it really worth it? I decided that it's not.

I left the kitchen empty-handed and proud of myself. Before, I would've probably just taken the freaking cookies but now I'm sick of being a fat pig who can't control herself and spends her nights munching chocolate and cookies and getting fat. I don't want to be like that anymore.

Today I've eaten around 800 kcal, which I know is too little. Though considering that I can't exercise (a broken leg), I burn approximately 1500kcal a day. The deficit is only ~600kcal, which isn't that much. I try to keep my calories below 1000kcal but it's not the end of the world if every now and then I eat 1000-1300kcal.

I eat like a person with an ED but really I don't think I have one. My ideal body is like that in the picture, lean yet muscular and feminine. I don't want to be a skeleton, I'd rather look healthy and sporty. I'm going to change my eating habits again when I start exercising, but right now I'm dead scared of gaining weight.