love illusion

My t-shirt from last night smells like him. My bed sheets and pillows smell like him and now as I try to sleep, all I can think about is him and the night when I finally got what I had wanted for so long.

What is it that makes certain people simply so irresistible? Why are emotions so uncontrollable? I wish I could be as cold and uncaring as I usually am. I wish I could just forget about him or play with him like I do with others. But I can’t. There’s something about him that just... draws me to him. When I’m with him, I feel so happy that it’s almost scary. I feel like I can be myself with him.

I have absolutely no idea what he wants from me or what he thinks about me. We’ve been friends for a couple of months already but yesterday we finally took that decisive step away from pure friendship and to be honest, I have no idea whether it was a good or a bad thing. If I let myself get carried away and get my hopes up, I know I’ll end up getting hurt. Like I always do.

It’s just that... I can’t stop thinking about him! Ugh. I hate this.

Now for something a bit more positive... I’ve lost weight. Or actually I don’t know if I have really lost any kilos but I have definitely toned up. I can feel my ribs and my collar bones show pretty nicely. I don’t look sick, I look really healthy. Plus, I’ve stuck to my diet really well so I think I’ll lose a bit more before my graduation. I want to look as good as possible, to show my relatives that it’s possible to be PERFECT.

Lost motivation

I’m on a study break right now. A month of independent studying at home before the final exams. I guess it’s relaxing in a way, not having to worry about school stuff or work. On the other hand though, I’m still stressed as hell because I’m not studying enough. Every day is a struggle as I try to force myself to open the books and read and do math and make notes. I set a goal of 5 hours per day but I’ve already fallen behind. Today, I studied for about 2-3 hours. WHERE THE HELL IS MY MOTIVATION WHEN I NEED IT??

Last time I wrote about burn out. The situation isn’t as bad as it was at the time but I still feel a bit down. I feel somehow drained. And it sucks because right now I should be more motivated than ever. This is the deciding month, the month before the finals when I still have a chance of learning and memorizing as much as I can. I am fully aware of the importance of giving it all I’ve got but somehow I just... I just can’t. I don’t have anything to give anymore.

I’m at my parents’ place right now. I thought I’d have peace and quiet here because my parents and sisters spend most of their time at our other house. I also needed to get away from everything in my hometown... I know that running away is not the best option but sometimes I just need my own space. I need to be able to breathe. Taking some distance will also – hopefully- help me see things from a different perspective. I’ve been here for about a week now and I think this is enough. I miss home and my friends and everything, I’m probably going back on Monday...

Me and my bf broke up about a month ago. It was my decision, the relationship just didn’t feel right anymore and we were – as cliché as it sounds- too different. I don’t regret it, as a matter of fact I’ve loved my freedom. I had nearly forgotten how good it feels to be single and not having to worry about accidentally hurting your boyfriend.

Actually, I’ve already met someone new... We’ve gone out a couple of times but nothing has really happened. He’s sweet and good-looking and good company and very close to perfect in every way but the problem is that I have no idea if he feels the same about me. Usually I’m really good at interpreting people but he’s a total mystery. I’ve decided to give him time and see where this goes.

Better to burn out than fade away?

It finally happened. It’s been knocking on my door for the past 3-4 years and now it broke the door and came crashing in. Burn out, the magic word of the 21^st century.

I started to get worried about myself a while ago when I realized that I’ve started skipping school for no apparent reason. I skip at least 3-4 hours a week and it’s not that I was especially tired or anything, I just can’t find the motivation to put on shoes and leave for school. I have also stopped going to the gym (“I don’t have money” is my official explanation), I’m irritated and stressed all the time, I have cried at least twice over insignificant things, I’m moody, I have no control over my eating habits... And the list goes on.

So, yesterday I did some hardcore google search and did some research on burn out. I’ve been warned about it so many times that at first I highly doubted that I would’ve fallen victim to such a “trendy” disease. But what do you know... All the symptoms sound more or less familiar. Plus, I have just the right type of a personality for it.

These past 3 years have been tough, no doubt about it. Looking back, I realize that I can’t remember a time when I didn’t stress about anything. I don’t even know what “carefree” means anymore, because it’s something I haven’t felt in ages. I know I just about how happy I was and, well... I was happy. And I am happy. It just takes so much work to keep myself happy and my standards increase all the time. Nothing is ever enough, I’m never good enough and my life is never perfect enough.

Lately I’ve been having plenty of “what if”-thoughts. What if I don’t get into any university? What if I don’t get a job after graduation? What if I can’t afford to move to Britain? And worst of all... What if I screw up my finals and end up with a practically worthless diploma? Worthless meaning that the top universities would take one look at it and then throw it in the garbage. I’m so frustrated because I know I have it in me to get a really good diploma but this complete lack of motivation is pulling me back and I simply don’t have the energy to study as much as I should. And... this is something I’ve never actually said aloud but here it comes: what if this isn’t really what I want? What if the kind of a life that I want is not right for me? That’s an awful thought and if it’s true... Well, I’m left with absolutely nothing.

I guess I always knew I couldn’t go on for long burning myself like this. I just didn’t know I’d reach my limits this fast. And actually the timing is really bad since I have my finals coming up and everything, I should be extremely motivated and energetic right now. I don’t know... This feeling of utter exhaustion and being drained out is hard to explain, it’s something you have to experience yourself (or well, hopefully you’ll never experience it).

I have to figure out how to cope with this. I was thinking of going to my parents’ place for the skiing holiday and just taking a week off from everything that’s going on here. I could ask my boyfriend to visit and then we could just spend the days skiing or skating or just walking in the forest. It would be great and at least it would take my mind off school for a while. But we’ll see. Maybe I’ll just leave things as they are, hope for the best and wait for school to be over for good.

End of an era

Believe it or not, this bachelorette has been tamed.

I’ve been going out with the same guy for the past month and I still like him. I don’t know what happened – I mean, I wasn’t supposed to get myself a boyfriend. I wasn’t supposed to get attached to anyone. But you know how these things just... happen. When you least expect it.

I wasn’t so sure about him in the beginning but now that he’s been away up north for a few days (he’ll be there for a month) and I suddenly noticed I actually MISSED him, I realized that I might care about him. Just a little bit. But this is so weird. The only person I’ve ever really missed was my best friend when she moved to the other side of the world. Or well, I did miss my ex every now and then, but it was nothing like this. It was desperate and hopeless, whereas the feeling I have now every time I think about my guy... it’s this warm, funny feeling. And honestly, I’m not the “warm, funny feeling” type.

But yeah... Actually many things have changed lately. For one, I’ve come to terms with all the issues I previously had with food and everything. Secondly, I’ve found this strange balance between school and life. It might be due to the fact that I only have about 2 months left but still, everything seems so much easier nowadays and despite living a normal life, I still get things done and don’t even stress about them that much. I’d say I’m getting pretty close to my ideal self. Finally.

Also I’ve begun the mental process of detaching myself from Finland. It wasn’t even a conscious decision but somehow I find myself thinking about things differently than before. I’m not chained to anything and I think I’m now just beginning to realize it. Even though, like I said, I’m in a relationship now, I still feel much freer than before. All this university stuff and graduation being just a couple of months away has made me realize just how great and big the world is. Sounds sentimental, but I’d say I’ve come to terms with everything that’s going on in my life.

Maybe all this could be expressed more simply by just saying that I’m finally happy. Yeah. That’s what it must be. This is happiness J

Kulissielämää

Päätin taas kirjoittaa suomeksi, koska pää vilisee ajatuksia, enkä saa niistä selvää oikein millään kielellä.

Mulle sanottiin hiljattain jotain, mikä on jäänyt päähän pyörimään. Meni jotakuinkin näin: ”Helppo sun on sanoa, sulla on just tollanen täydellinen elämä. Miehiä ympärillä, lahjakkuutta, itsenäinen elämä ja kaikkea muuta. Sulla on kaikkea”.

Tänään olen ollut lähes koko illan yksin kotona, joten väistämättä olen kelaillut asioita vähän liikaakin. Tuo lause erityisesti herättää aivan uskomattoman vihan ja ärtymyksen, sillä tuntuu ettei kukaan tajua, miten paljon tämän ”täydellisen elämän” ylläpito vaatii. Ja mitä siihen pääseminen on vaatinut. Ensinnäkin, mulla ei ole ikinä ollut toimivaa ja hyvää suhdetta. Pompin miehestä mieheen ilman että välitän kenestäkään tai että kukaan välittäisi musta. Nytkin tapailen erästä miestä, mutta en todellakaan tiedä, mitä siitä tulee. En ole ollenkaan varma edes omista fiiliksistäni, saati jätkän fiiliksistä. Tosi hyvä pohja rakentaa yhtään mitään.

Toiseksi, lahjakkuus ei ole mitään ilman kovaa työtä. Olen useammin kuin kerran ollut burn outin partaalla (tässä iässä!) ja stressaan joka päivä siitä, että saan parhaimmat mahdolliset arvosanat. Nukun noin 5h yössä, valvon tarvittaessa kofeiinipillerien avulla ja tarvitsen alkoholia rentoutuakseni. Tuntuu, etten ikinä ole tarpeeksi hyvä ja kun siihen yhdistetään esim. vanhempien/äidin odotukset, paineet kohoavat pilviin. Joillekin koulunkäynti on hauskaa. Minulle se on suorittamista, itsensä ja muiden ylittämistä, odotusten täyttämistä. Olen luonnostaankin ihan hyvä koulussa, mutta kun hyvä ei riitä! Pitää olla PARAS. Ihmiset eivät vaan tunnu tajuavan, miten helvetisti työtä ja stressiä se vaatii. Oletetaan, että joillain on vaan parempi tuuri tai enemmän älliä kuin toisilla. Fakta kuitenkin on, että kuka tahansa voisi olla akateemisesti samassa kuin missä minä nyt olen.

Kolmanneksi. Lähdin kotoa 16-vuotiaana. Aloitin duunin 17-vuotiaana ja olen siitä lähtien maksanut joka ikisen laskuni itse. Maksan vuokran, puhelinlaskut, nettilaskun, harrastukset, vaatteet… Ihan kaikki. Ja sekään ei ole aina helppoa, olen ollut parhaimmillaan viikon syömättä (tai siis, söin vain koulussa), koska ei ole ollut rahaa safkaan. TOSI HIENO itsenäinen elämä, kannattaa joo kadehtia. Jos voisin, muuttaisin varmaan takaisin himaan ja eläisin vanhempien rahoilla ja söisin vanhempien ruokia, koska se olisi niin paljon helpompaa. Ainut vaan, että en voi tehdä sitä. Ottaa niin paljon päähän, kun ihmiset kadehtivat jotain omillaan asumista, kun tosiasiassa antaisin mitä vain, jotta saisin ehjän perheen ja kodin, missä voisin asua vielä vaikkapa vuoden. Minulla vaan ei ole mahdollisuutta siihen. Ironic, isn’t it?

On totta, että mulla on koko ajan tietynlainen kulissi pystyssä ja pikaisesti vilkaistuna elämäni on aika kivaa. Olisin kuitenkin odottanut kaverilta kykyä nähdä sen kulissin taakse, koska luulin hänen tuntevan minut sen verran hyvin. En päästä ihmisiä lähelleni kovin helposti, mutta jos viettää paljon aikaa kanssani, olen tosi helposti luettavissa. Ja onhan se nyt selvääkin, että esim. menestys ei vaan tule ilman kovaa työtä. On väärin luulla, että olisin joku poikkeus.

Tuollaiset kommentit loukkaavat erityisen paljon, koska niistä paistaa läpi sellainen asenne, että olisin muka saanut kaiken hopealautasella. Tulee samalla sellainen olo, ettei kukaan osaa arvostaa sitä työtä, mitä olen tehnyt. Onko väärin pyytää ymmärrystä kavereilta, kykyä tajuta ettei kaikki ole niin helppoa miltä näyttää? Olen ehkä kaikille muille se täydellisen elämän omaava tyttö, mutta lähimmille kavereille haluan olla oma itseni. Onko se liikaa vaadittu?

Jumalauta että ärsyttää.

Random Quotes

Just some quotes that I found especially beautiful/touching/fitting.

“Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love.”

“But he did not understand the price. Mortals never do. They only see the prize. Their hearts desire, their dream....But the price of getting what you want is getting what you once wanted.”

-Neil Gaiman

"Some day you will look at your friend, and he will seem to you to be a little out of drawing, or you won't like his tone of colour, or something."

"The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it. Resist it, and your soul grows sick with longing for the things it has forbidden to itself, with desire for what its monstrous laws have made monstrous and unlawful."

"He covered page after page with wild words of sorrow and wilder words of pain. There is a luxury in self-reproach. When we blame ourselves, we feel that no one else has a right to blame us. It is the confession, not the priest, that gives us absolution."

"There were moments when he looked on evil simply as a mode through which he could realise his conception of the beautiful."

"Nowadays most people die of a sort of creeping common sense, and discover when it is too late that the only things one never regrets are one's mistakes."

-The Picture of Dorian Gray by Oscar Wilde

Back to Finland

Huh. Came back from Cambridge last night, I don't really know if I'm happy or sad to be back in Finland.

The interview(s) went fine, or at least I think so. It's pretty hard to tell because you never know what the interviewers are expecting. But I'm so relieved that now the whole process is over, I just have to wait until January to hear if I get an offer. If I don't, well, I guess I'm off to Warwick University then since I already have an offer from there. Though of course Cambridge is and will always be my first choice, I'd be ecstatic if I got an offer...

I have to say I absolutely loved Cambridge as a city. It was so cute and simply British. I love big cities such as London but as a place to study, Cambridge is ideal. The city centre was just the right size and London is a train ride away. I might add some photos if I have the time to upload them.

When I got back home yesterday, my best friend was here waiting for me. She just moved back to Finland and I hadn't seen her for 11 months so I was really looking forward to returning to Finland myself. When I opened the door and she was there squeezing the life out of me, I just felt... complete. It was like everything was falling to place because I've missed her so much. If soulmates exist, I'm pretty sure I've found mine in her.

To be honest, I haven't felt this happy in a long time. My life's nearly perfect, I have almost everything a girl can hope for. Of course I'm still fat and broke and don't have a boyfriend but those are all pretty small things compared to the fact that I feel happy. I got my best friend back and I have an amazing future ahead of me, everything else will follow in its due course.

Oh and I'm really looking forward to christmas holidays. It's going to be sooo relaxing, no worrying about school or anything else, just hanging out with the ones I love the most <3>

that little something

”It’s decent, but it’s not brilliant.”

That’s what my teacher said about my essay. Or actually, a collection of essays/commentaries. He said they were all lacking that something, that little something that distinguishes 7 from 5-6 (in IB 7 is the best grade you can get). I have to admit that I was at first a bit shocked, then devastated, then disappointed. I had always thought those essays were good and I was especially happy with the latest one. But apparently it just wasn’t enough.

I know I shouldn’t take it so seriously but I’m sending that latest essay to Cambridge. They don’t want decent, they want brilliant. They don’t want above average, they want the best. What if I can’t be the best, no matter how hard I try? I know it’s impossible to always be perfect but I truly thought that economics was something I was exceptionally good at. And now I find out that I’m “decent”.

I’m feeling so low at the moment. It’s like nothing I do is enough, will never be enough. There will always be someone who has that extra ‘something’ that I don’t. So what’s left? Will I be stuck as the second best for the rest of my life?

I really should start taking studies more seriously. I got an invitation to an interview at Cambridge, if they make me an offer I want to be worth it. It would suck so bad to get an offer and then not being able to meet the requirements. It’s just… Well, I want it SO bad. Oxbridge has been my dream for God knows how long, at least 5 years. Now I’m so close to getting there but also so close to screwing it up. And I don’t want to screw it up (d’uh).

I honestly don’t know what to do, how to get my life in order and everything under control. I’m at school for 8 hours every single day and most of the lessons are a complete waste of time. After school I do school work, go to the gym or to my friend’s place for a coffee. During the weekends I party and get wasted (and do nothing useful). I’m not getting anywhere right now and the stress is killing me. I don’t sleep, I drink tons of coffee, I skip school every now and then, I drink too much alcohol, eat the wrong things etc… You get the picture. Everything is just swirling in my head, a big confusing mess and I have no idea how to deal with it. I seriously need a break.

People say I’m too hard on myself but I disagree. What I want from myself is not unrealistic; other people want and expect it from me too. It’s really up to me whether I can fulfill all the expectations, whether I have it in me to push myself that one extra step. It’s just frustrating to know that I have all the potential in the world but sometimes it’s so hard to unlock it. And if I can’t unlock, I’ll be stuck at “decent” and “decent” students/people don’t get offers from Cambridge.

(Btw seems like all I ever do is complain. Maybe a change in attitude is in order, aye?)

normal vs. ideal

This is seriously getting out of hand again.

I talked to my friends a few days ago and they said they'd been really worried about me and my eating but that nowadays I'm seem so much better and looks like there's nothing to worry about. I should've been relieved and happy... Instead, I immediately started thinking: They think I eat like a normal person. They think I'm gaining weight. They think I'm fat. And maybe I AM. Maybe I'm fucking huge.

So I'm back to a strict diet. I don't want to be getting better, I don't want to eat like normal people do because the way they eat is fucking disgusting. Though I don't want my friends worrying about me either... It would be so much easier if they just kept their noses out of my life because really, the way I eat is none of their business.

What is it that makes KINDNESS such a turn off? If a guy is nice, cute and kind, why is it that we women automatically build up walls against them? Then we fall for players and cry when they hurt us, swearing “never again”.

If I wanted a safe and comfortable relationship, I could probably get it now. The Blonde (lets call him that because he was blond when I first met him) is a nice guy. We get along and he’s totally crazy about me… Some might call this a perfect situation. However, like always, there’s a BUT. This time it is that there are simply no sparks. When we kiss, I don’t feel a thing. When he holds my hand, it’s like holding your friend’s hand.

Another thing is that I think I like my freedom too much right now to even consider starting a real relationship. I love hanging out with the girls, spending the perfect single girl’s life. I don’t know what I really want. And do I really even need to know if I’m happy as it is?

The end of innocence

The Ex started talking to me yesterday on facebook. It was so random. We haven't talked in about 3 months and now it was suddenly like we were good friends or something! I know exactly what he wants and what he aims at but still it kinda caught me off guard.

I don't know what to think about him. I don't think I have any feelings for him anymore but if I see him and we have fun (like we always do), I might fall for him again. I know that it's a risk I definitely shouldn't take but part of me wants to. It's the old pattern once again... I get my ass kicked by other guys, what do I do? I go back to the Ex and get my ass kicked by him. Healthy? No.

I honestly don't know what it is that makes me go back to him time and time again. He's got charisma, that's for sure, and we have a long history but you'd think I'd learned something during the years I've spent with him. You'd think I knew by now that he's sooo not good for me. Maybe I want him because we're so alike. Selfish and shrewd, that's what we are. Plus, he's leaving in 6 months. I'm leaving in 7-8 months.


I remember when we first met. It was about 2 years ago, on my balcony at my house party. He slept over and we spent the whole night just talking and laughing. If I could go back in time, I would go back to that night and the weeks that followed it. I wouldn't get so attached to him and I wouldn't be so naive. Though then again, would it change anything? Would I just be left with one great experience less?

I have to say that I don't really regret the time I spent with him. I learned a lot, mainly about how love is not all sunshine and daisies. Maybe I became even too cynical, learning to build a wall around my heart so I wouldn't get hurt again. Even if I hadn't met him, I would probably have done the same mistakes with someone else. It would've taken more time but I would have grown up all the same.

I've never been known for being cautious or for thinking things through before doing something. That might be why... well, I might be seeing him on Saturday.

G'morning

Just a quick morning update, felt like writing something...

I had about 3 hours of sleep last night, went to bed around 2am and woke up at 5am. Yet I don't feel that tired. I've had 2 cups of coffee and a caffeine pill....

We had a week off school last week, the autumn holiday, and that went by way too fast. I did some school stuff but apart from that, I just slept and partied. Not exactly as relaxing a holiday as I would've liked but who cares, I had fun. I even did something I never thought I'd do. I tried speed... I know I said earlier that I won't touch anything harder than weed but shit happens. Luckily it was from the pharmacist, some ADD-medication. I took like one fourth of a pill, sniffed it like people usually sniff cocaine and the result was merely that I had waaaay too much energy. I think I fell asleep around 10am (and I was really exhausted before that, I'd just come back from a cruise and from there went straight to a bar).

It was neither a positive or a negative experience. I'm happy that I only took so little, otherwise I'd probably still be high :D I guess that was just something I had to try sooner or later, I'm glad I did it at home with a friend rather than in a bar with a stranger or something.

Otherwise there's not really much to tell about my life. I still party too much, still have absolutely no moral and so on. I just wish I could calm down. I've reached the point where I want something solid, something real, to hold on to. I want to get my life in order but I don't know where to start... During the week it's relatively easy with school and everything but during the weekends all hell breaks loose. I always have fun but really, for how long can I keep living like this? For how long can a person just drift through life like I do?

lose-lose situation

I bit the apple. I got a taste of the bliss of being in a relationship and have been doomed ever since.

I'm usually extremely emotionally stable. I have mood swings but only those closest to me even notice them. I don't fall in love. I rarely even have a crush. I don't do all that 'he broke my heart'-stuff. Yet, these past couple of weeks have been a real emotional rollercoaster. I think I started to get attached to the Guy. Seriously. I didn't fall head over heels in love but I got attached and I was really starting to like him. BUT of course he decided to get back together with his ugly bitch of a girlfriend.

I would so like to hate him now but I just can't. I understand why he chose her. I mean, he's known her for so much longer, they have a history. I'm new in his life and even though I think he finds me refreshing and somehow 'exotic', I don't think I'm really what he's looking for. Plus, I'm leaving in less than a year and he knows that. He's even bitched about it :D We still talk almost every day, though. I was even at his place this weekend and slept in his bed, in his arms. It sucks that I KNOW he has feelings for me but of course he can't do anything about them. For me, it's a lose-lose situation because if I continue spending so much time with him, I might fall for him. And I can't get him. But if I move on, I'll be alone and left with absolutely nothing. Is it better to hold on to a friendship, hoping it'll turn into something more, or move on and risk being alone?

He said to me once that I think too much. He was right. Once again I'm confusing myself, pondering things that I really have no control over. I hate that he affects me like this. I hate that I let myself get so attached to him but I guess that's just how life is. I have to quote a text message that my best friend once sent me when I was all depressed over how my ex treated me:
"I hate that he hurts u. cause hes not worth it. hes just one of those ppl u just fuck n thats it, but u got so attached to him... n its way too easy to do so. but hey, even us players we hav our weaknesses."

That's so true, my friend is a wise little girl. Maybe I should just go back to that 'sex without feelings'-thing. It was so easy. You got laid but never had to worry about all this exhausting emotional stuff. Though then again, I don't really want to go back. I guess I've grown up too much, it just doesn't feel the same anymore. I just wish I'd get my Guy and be able to spend happy 8 months with him before I leave Finland for good.

the Guy and my black eye

My weekend has so far been pretty wild… I was in Helsinki, we stayed in a hotel with this guy, met up with people we hadn’t met before, partied like hell and had an awesome time.

I don’t really know what to think about the Guy (I’ll call him that for now). He’s nice, funny, ok-looking and everything and last night we sort of had sex. Or rather tried to. It didn’t really work out because I hit my head to a lamp and now I have a black eye and a wound next to my left eye. It bled like crazy, the sheets were spotted with blood and the towels I used to stop the bleeding were a bloody mess!

I’m never drinking again because it seems that something always happens to me. Things just have a tendency of getting out of hand and I always end up injured one way or another. Lol, it sucks so bad.

But yeah, back to the Guy. We had so much fun and he told me he really liked me and all. I don’t know what to think about it. Am I ready for something serious? Am I ready to take the risks I talked about earlier? As you can see, I’m stuck pondering the same questions again and again. Now I feel like I want to give him a chance. It’s not every day that I find myself liking someone this much.

I’m just afraid that I’ll end up getting hurt. I’ve had such bad experiences with relationships that I’m almost 100% sure that something will go wrong and it won’t work out and I’ll be left with my heart broken (oh my god how sentimental I sound right now!) once again. But I guess the only way to find out is to take the risk and you never know, it might all turn out great.

I hate this waiting-part. Waiting for him to call/text, waiting for him to say something that might give me some idea of what he’s thinking… I know I should just call or text him myself but I have to admit: I’m a coward when it comes to this sort of stuff. One night stands, friendships, dealing with people I don’t like – a piece of cake. When I actually like someone, it’s so different because I’m not used to it. I’ve never been tamed, so to speak, so I don’t know how it happens.

I’m not even thinking about other guys right now. Usually I at least keep my eyes open and so forth but now I just think about him and it’s so weird.

But ok, enough about my love life. I’m just making it too complicated by thinking about it too much.

My eating has taken a turn for worse once again. I skip meals, make up excuses so I don’t have to eat, I panic if my calories go over 1300kcal. It’s sick, I know, and it shouldn’t be like that but I can’t help it. I can’t even say that I got too much time on my hands like I did during the summer. I’m really busy with everything but yet I always make time to calculate exactly what and how much I’ve eaten. My weight has dropped a bit which is great. I was even wearing this little “top” (or actually it’s more like a bra) yesterday and walking around in it and sweat pants because for once I felt like I can show off my stomach. The Guy was even stroking it this morning and I didn’t even mind or feel fat. Still I want and I need to lose some more weight.

Cambridge

My UCAS application to Cambridge, Warwick and Durham universities is leaving on the 15th October. I wrote my personal statement yesterday and sent it to my teacher today so that he can read it. I got my reference from my economics teacher today. It’s all slowly coming together and yesterday when I was writing the personal statement, I realized that I’m writing something that could change my life. The moment I’ve dreamt of for so long is finally here, I’m finally applying to Cambridge. It’s scary.

It’s kind of funny how you can dream about something for years, be absolutely sure that it is what you want to do. But then you get closer and closer to that dream of yours and suddenly find yourself having second thoughts. Is this really what I want? Will this make me happy? What do I want from my life? These questions have plagued me since yesterday and I can’t get rid of them.

I’ve been thinking about Finland, about finding a guy and settling down, going to a good Finnish university… It would be so much easier but I have the feeling that in the end it wouldn’t be enough. If I gave up now, I would definitely regret it for the rest of my life. It just sucks that I can’t afford to build a life here. I have less than a year left, if I fall in love or something, leaving would hurt like hell. It might even hinder me altogether from leaving, which would be the worst-case scenario.

I’m so confused. I’m now working on building my future and of course I want to be the best I can be, go to the best university and have the life I’ve always dreamt of. Yet I don’t know if it’ll be worth it. What if I end up all alone, with only a law degree from Cambridge and a great job? What if I’m never satisfied, what if I’ll always be searching for something? Is that the life I want?

I guess only time will tell where I’ll end up. Now I’m going to complete my application, study hard for the finals and then keep my fingers crossed. If I get in, great. If I don’t, I’ll take a gap year anyway so I’ll just apply again next year.

MEN !

Men.

Why is it that with men everything is always so goddamn complicated!

Right now there is guy1 who is in my class and he’s really smart, nice, funny etc, basically everything a girl can hope for. I guess we have something going on. We talk a lot, a few weeks ago we spent hours freezing our asses off outside, just talking about life and it was really nice. Yet I don’t think I like him in that way, you know. He’s more like a really good friend.

Then there’s guy2 who I talk to nearly every day as well. He’s also smart, nice etc, and I think I feel something for him. The problem is that he broke up with his girlfriend (or actually I don’t think she was an actual gf yet, they’d known each other for a few months or so) about a week ago, it’s way too soon for me to make any moves on him. We might be going to a trip together later this month though ;)

Then there is the Ex. I slept over at his last weekend but that was… well, pretty weird. I just didn’t feel like I used to and I think I might be finally realizing that he’s not that great. He’s a pathological liar and what was so exciting and new about him before is now losing its charm. He’s starting to feel boring. Which is really good, but somehow… I don’t know. I don’t know if I’m ready to let go. It’s been 2 years of on and off, it’s not normal anymore, is it? :D

On the outside there’s no problem but emotionally I feel really torn. I like guy1 a lot but I’m not sure if I’m interested in being anything more than friends. I like guy2 also a lot but then there’s his ex. I don’t know if I like my ‘the Ex’, I don’t know what to say to him when the next booty call comes. I don’t even know if I want a man in my life.

Argh, I’ve always thought that I’m sensible, simple and straightforward when it comes to all this emotional shit. Now I’m really confused, I’m not used to being confused and I’m not used to things getting too complicated. I know I’m in a way creating the problem myself but nevertheless there still IS a problem.

The truth is, as scary as it sounds, I might be ready for a real relationship.

random

First off, I got my driver’s license today! I’ll probably get a car next weekend if we find a suitable one.

Secondly, today I felt – for the first time in months – that life is not that complicated after all. I mean, life’s what you make it and what you want it to be. There’s nothing I can’t do if I really want it enough. I’ve been stressing about school, driving school, finals, looks, weight, my leg, relationships etc etc… but is it really worth it?

No. It isn’t. And I decided to stop this pointless stressing. Of course, a certain amount of stress can be a positive thing but too much is too much. From now on I’m going to just ‘go with the flow’, enjoy life as it is because, really, my life isn’t half bad. I have (almost) everything a girl can want and what I don’t have (like the perfect body) – well, with some hard work, everything is possible.

So people, stop worrying so much and live in the moment (omg I’m turning into a total hippie)

Oh yeah and hope you like the pic. That's definitely my kinda team.

kännissä olet ääliö

I was out without crutches yesterday and DAMN it felt good! I was first at my friend’s bday party, then clubbing in town. Had fun. Got absolutely wasted. Honestly, it’s been ages since the last time I was that drunk. Actually ‘drunk’ is not strong enough a word for the state I was in yesterday…

People make mistakes and I’m no exception. Last night’s mistake was mr. Ex at whose place I ended up. For some reason I wanted to talk to him about us, have an actual lie-free conversation. Of course, that didn’t work. I did ask him what he wanted from me and he said he didn’t know. He’s always like that, avoiding serious conversations… I cant remember what else I said to him or what he said to me but somehow this morning I found myself in his bed. He was sleeping on the floor! Apparently I’d said or done something to piss him off, oops…

Its funny how I’ve been so attached to that guy the past 2 years or so but this time… it was different. I didn’t feel a thing. I still liked talking to him and all but the sparks were gone, this time for good I hope. I used to think I was so independent and strong but in reality it’s me who’s been played, not the other way around. He was the first one to make me feel anything, the first one I really felt drawn to. And he was totally bad for me. I just hope this was it, that I can go on with my life now.

I don’t really remember that much about yesterday. Probably made a complete fool of myself but oh well, it happens. And I should get the day-after-pill, SHIT.

I should probably update more often (if anyone reads this)

sex, drugs and rock n roll

What the hell is happening to me??

Yesterday I was at a friend’s home party. She lives really close so I thought that I could drink a little. Well, I did, and I even smoked some weed. It was supposed like the good old times but… it wasn’t. Something was missing and I really don’t know what. Maybe it was because I didn’t drink that much, maybe because I couldn’t dance or anything, I don’t know. I just know that it didn’t feel like it used to.

I was relaxed and the company was okay, mainly people from my class + some random dudes. Yet I felt strangely detached of it all, I just couldn’t have fun like I used to. I hope things will go back to normal when I can walk normally again. It’s not like partying is the most important thing in my life or anything but it’s my way of having fun, of relaxing. I want that good feeling back; I want to be the life of the party again.

My friend in Australia has apparently taken a liking to acid and pills. I don’t really know what to think about it. I mean, I do weed, but I’ve never touched anything ‘heavier’ and I probably never will. Weed is after all pretty harmless, no more dangerous than cigarettes or alcohol. Acid on the other hand… well, I guess it’s acceptable every now and then in a party or something but my friend just said that she’d been tripping out at school, some after-effect of acid. I don’t want her to get herself into any kind of trouble… Thank god she’s coming back here in a couple of months, the drug culture here is a bit different and stuff like acid is harder to get.

I’m starting an extreme diet today. It’s nothing special, just controlling what I eat more carefully than before, not eating if I don’t know what the food contains etc. We’ll see how it goes.

you are what you eat

Food is essential for survival, that is a fact. If you consume more than you burn, you will gain weight and vice versa. We all know these simple truths and should also know how to apply them, i.e. eat sensibly. Yet it seems that an increasing number of people are having trouble with eating, some eating too much and some too little. What exactly is it that makes eating – an everyday task – so difficult?

What we eat affects the way we look, thus affecting the way we feel about ourselves and how other people see us. The food that we consume shapes us, affecting everything from our body to our mind. There is no denying that food is an important part of life, “we are what we eat”. In a society that admires will power and self-control it is natural that food intake should be controlled so that we could decide exactly what we become. However it’s not always that easy.

My personal relationship with food is a complicated one. I see food as a ‘necessary evil’ that one needs to survive. I’m often disgusted by food that I consider unhealthy and I hate myself if I’ve let it slip and eaten too much. Yet I respect my body and want to give it sufficient and good nutrition. I want to be healthy and I understand that food is an essential part of health. Even though I want to be thin and would do anything to get there, I would never ever starve myself with, say, 100kcal/day or something, I find that extremely stupid.

I count the calories, carbs, fat and protein of every single bite I take. I can’t eat it if I don’t know what it contains. I got this small scale a few days back and I’ve been using it to weigh everything I eat so that I know exactly how much I’ve consumed during the day. I know it shouldn’t be like this, I know that eating shouldn’t be made that complicated but I can’t help it. In some weird way I’ve become obsessed with this control.

Back to the original question: What makes eating so difficult? Well, I really don’t know. Maybe when everything else seems to be spiraling out of control, it is only natural to turn to food. What you put in your mouth is up to you, you control it. The feeling of power, of total control, is exhilarating.