perjantai 10. huhtikuuta 2009

Lost motivation

I’m on a study break right now. A month of independent studying at home before the final exams. I guess it’s relaxing in a way, not having to worry about school stuff or work. On the other hand though, I’m still stressed as hell because I’m not studying enough. Every day is a struggle as I try to force myself to open the books and read and do math and make notes. I set a goal of 5 hours per day but I’ve already fallen behind. Today, I studied for about 2-3 hours. WHERE THE HELL IS MY MOTIVATION WHEN I NEED IT??

Last time I wrote about burn out. The situation isn’t as bad as it was at the time but I still feel a bit down. I feel somehow drained. And it sucks because right now I should be more motivated than ever. This is the deciding month, the month before the finals when I still have a chance of learning and memorizing as much as I can. I am fully aware of the importance of giving it all I’ve got but somehow I just... I just can’t. I don’t have anything to give anymore.

I’m at my parents’ place right now. I thought I’d have peace and quiet here because my parents and sisters spend most of their time at our other house. I also needed to get away from everything in my hometown... I know that running away is not the best option but sometimes I just need my own space. I need to be able to breathe. Taking some distance will also – hopefully- help me see things from a different perspective. I’ve been here for about a week now and I think this is enough. I miss home and my friends and everything, I’m probably going back on Monday...

Me and my bf broke up about a month ago. It was my decision, the relationship just didn’t feel right anymore and we were – as cliché as it sounds- too different. I don’t regret it, as a matter of fact I’ve loved my freedom. I had nearly forgotten how good it feels to be single and not having to worry about accidentally hurting your boyfriend.

Actually, I’ve already met someone new... We’ve gone out a couple of times but nothing has really happened. He’s sweet and good-looking and good company and very close to perfect in every way but the problem is that I have no idea if he feels the same about me. Usually I’m really good at interpreting people but he’s a total mystery. I’ve decided to give him time and see where this goes.

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