My UCAS application to Cambridge, Warwick and Durham universities is leaving on the 15th October. I wrote my personal statement yesterday and sent it to my teacher today so that he can read it. I got my reference from my economics teacher today. It’s all slowly coming together and yesterday when I was writing the personal statement, I realized that I’m writing something that could change my life. The moment I’ve dreamt of for so long is finally here, I’m finally applying to Cambridge. It’s scary.
It’s kind of funny how you can dream about something for years, be absolutely sure that it is what you want to do. But then you get closer and closer to that dream of yours and suddenly find yourself having second thoughts. Is this really what I want? Will this make me happy? What do I want from my life? These questions have plagued me since yesterday and I can’t get rid of them.
I’ve been thinking about Finland, about finding a guy and settling down, going to a good Finnish university… It would be so much easier but I have the feeling that in the end it wouldn’t be enough. If I gave up now, I would definitely regret it for the rest of my life. It just sucks that I can’t afford to build a life here. I have less than a year left, if I fall in love or something, leaving would hurt like hell. It might even hinder me altogether from leaving, which would be the worst-case scenario.
I’m so confused. I’m now working on building my future and of course I want to be the best I can be, go to the best university and have the life I’ve always dreamt of. Yet I don’t know if it’ll be worth it. What if I end up all alone, with only a law degree from Cambridge and a great job? What if I’m never satisfied, what if I’ll always be searching for something? Is that the life I want?
I guess only time will tell where I’ll end up. Now I’m going to complete my application, study hard for the finals and then keep my fingers crossed. If I get in, great. If I don’t, I’ll take a gap year anyway so I’ll just apply again next year.