X-files

Something happened a few days ago that made me contemplate on exes and wonder why after such a long time, some of them still manage to arouse so much emotion in me. It doesn’t happen with all of them, of course. Some relationships just die and exes are left where they belong, the x-file. With some, however, the fire never quite goes out. You may move on, date other people and continue your life but every now and then the Ex pops out from somewhere and you’re once again caught between emotion and logic, old and new. Part of you wants to go back, wants to live the good ol’ times again. The other (rational) part of you tells you to forget and move on, reminding you of past mistakes.

I confess: I am still seeing my ex every now and then. We have a casual, friends-with-benefits type of relationship, which in practice means seeing each other couple of times a month and having wild sex. Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy every minute of it, but sometimes I can’t help but wonder whether I’m doing myself more harm than good by continuing something than can never become a real relationship. I try not to smile when he texts me, I try my best not to answer every booty call of his, but still I do. It scares me that someone can affect me like that even after I’ve seen the worst of him, after having my heart broken by him 2 years ago.

Most people say that once you’re through with someone, you’re through. Going back only hurts more and results in nothing. That is true in a way but then again, shouldn’t we believe in second chances? And isn’t it a sign of something greater if you go back to someone time after time? And even if it didn’t work out, the one thing I’ve learned is that SPARKS are rare. It’s not every day that you meet someone with whom you see sparks and fireworks. That’s passion and you can either consume it until it wears out or long for it for the rest of your life. I may not know much but I know one thing: life is too short for regrets. Whether it is a relationship gone bad or a wrong decision (whether there are 'wrong' and 'right' decisions can be questioned...), one should live their life without having to regret anything.

As for me, well I guess I’ll keep seeing him. That something that I referred to in the first paragraph… Well, a few days ago I found out that he’s been with someone I know. Of course I always knew he was seeing other people, and so am I, but still it… It doesn’t hurt, really, but it gives me this funny feeling. Though I know he’ll come back to me because that’s just how it goes.