tiistai 10. helmikuuta 2009

Better to burn out than fade away?

It finally happened. It’s been knocking on my door for the past 3-4 years and now it broke the door and came crashing in. Burn out, the magic word of the 21st century.

I started to get worried about myself a while ago when I realized that I’ve started skipping school for no apparent reason. I skip at least 3-4 hours a week and it’s not that I was especially tired or anything, I just can’t find the motivation to put on shoes and leave for school. I have also stopped going to the gym (“I don’t have money” is my official explanation), I’m irritated and stressed all the time, I have cried at least twice over insignificant things, I’m moody, I have no control over my eating habits... And the list goes on.

So, yesterday I did some hardcore google search and did some research on burn out. I’ve been warned about it so many times that at first I highly doubted that I would’ve fallen victim to such a “trendy” disease. But what do you know... All the symptoms sound more or less familiar. Plus, I have just the right type of a personality for it.

These past 3 years have been tough, no doubt about it. Looking back, I realize that I can’t remember a time when I didn’t stress about anything. I don’t even know what “carefree” means anymore, because it’s something I haven’t felt in ages. I know I just about how happy I was and, well... I was happy. And I am happy. It just takes so much work to keep myself happy and my standards increase all the time. Nothing is ever enough, I’m never good enough and my life is never perfect enough.

Lately I’ve been having plenty of “what if”-thoughts. What if I don’t get into any university? What if I don’t get a job after graduation? What if I can’t afford to move to Britain? And worst of all... What if I screw up my finals and end up with a practically worthless diploma? Worthless meaning that the top universities would take one look at it and then throw it in the garbage. I’m so frustrated because I know I have it in me to get a really good diploma but this complete lack of motivation is pulling me back and I simply don’t have the energy to study as much as I should. And... this is something I’ve never actually said aloud but here it comes: what if this isn’t really what I want? What if the kind of a life that I want is not right for me? That’s an awful thought and if it’s true... Well, I’m left with absolutely nothing.

I guess I always knew I couldn’t go on for long burning myself like this. I just didn’t know I’d reach my limits this fast. And actually the timing is really bad since I have my finals coming up and everything, I should be extremely motivated and energetic right now. I don’t know... This feeling of utter exhaustion and being drained out is hard to explain, it’s something you have to experience yourself (or well, hopefully you’ll never experience it).

I have to figure out how to cope with this. I was thinking of going to my parents’ place for the skiing holiday and just taking a week off from everything that’s going on here. I could ask my boyfriend to visit and then we could just spend the days skiing or skating or just walking in the forest. It would be great and at least it would take my mind off school for a while. But we’ll see. Maybe I’ll just leave things as they are, hope for the best and wait for school to be over for good.

1 kommentti:

Anonyymi kirjoitti...

maybe www.comotivate.com can help by putting you in touch with someone in the same situation?