Better to burn out than fade away?

It finally happened. It’s been knocking on my door for the past 3-4 years and now it broke the door and came crashing in. Burn out, the magic word of the 21^st century.

I started to get worried about myself a while ago when I realized that I’ve started skipping school for no apparent reason. I skip at least 3-4 hours a week and it’s not that I was especially tired or anything, I just can’t find the motivation to put on shoes and leave for school. I have also stopped going to the gym (“I don’t have money” is my official explanation), I’m irritated and stressed all the time, I have cried at least twice over insignificant things, I’m moody, I have no control over my eating habits... And the list goes on.

So, yesterday I did some hardcore google search and did some research on burn out. I’ve been warned about it so many times that at first I highly doubted that I would’ve fallen victim to such a “trendy” disease. But what do you know... All the symptoms sound more or less familiar. Plus, I have just the right type of a personality for it.

These past 3 years have been tough, no doubt about it. Looking back, I realize that I can’t remember a time when I didn’t stress about anything. I don’t even know what “carefree” means anymore, because it’s something I haven’t felt in ages. I know I just about how happy I was and, well... I was happy. And I am happy. It just takes so much work to keep myself happy and my standards increase all the time. Nothing is ever enough, I’m never good enough and my life is never perfect enough.

Lately I’ve been having plenty of “what if”-thoughts. What if I don’t get into any university? What if I don’t get a job after graduation? What if I can’t afford to move to Britain? And worst of all... What if I screw up my finals and end up with a practically worthless diploma? Worthless meaning that the top universities would take one look at it and then throw it in the garbage. I’m so frustrated because I know I have it in me to get a really good diploma but this complete lack of motivation is pulling me back and I simply don’t have the energy to study as much as I should. And... this is something I’ve never actually said aloud but here it comes: what if this isn’t really what I want? What if the kind of a life that I want is not right for me? That’s an awful thought and if it’s true... Well, I’m left with absolutely nothing.

I guess I always knew I couldn’t go on for long burning myself like this. I just didn’t know I’d reach my limits this fast. And actually the timing is really bad since I have my finals coming up and everything, I should be extremely motivated and energetic right now. I don’t know... This feeling of utter exhaustion and being drained out is hard to explain, it’s something you have to experience yourself (or well, hopefully you’ll never experience it).

I have to figure out how to cope with this. I was thinking of going to my parents’ place for the skiing holiday and just taking a week off from everything that’s going on here. I could ask my boyfriend to visit and then we could just spend the days skiing or skating or just walking in the forest. It would be great and at least it would take my mind off school for a while. But we’ll see. Maybe I’ll just leave things as they are, hope for the best and wait for school to be over for good.

End of an era

Believe it or not, this bachelorette has been tamed.

I’ve been going out with the same guy for the past month and I still like him. I don’t know what happened – I mean, I wasn’t supposed to get myself a boyfriend. I wasn’t supposed to get attached to anyone. But you know how these things just... happen. When you least expect it.

I wasn’t so sure about him in the beginning but now that he’s been away up north for a few days (he’ll be there for a month) and I suddenly noticed I actually MISSED him, I realized that I might care about him. Just a little bit. But this is so weird. The only person I’ve ever really missed was my best friend when she moved to the other side of the world. Or well, I did miss my ex every now and then, but it was nothing like this. It was desperate and hopeless, whereas the feeling I have now every time I think about my guy... it’s this warm, funny feeling. And honestly, I’m not the “warm, funny feeling” type.

But yeah... Actually many things have changed lately. For one, I’ve come to terms with all the issues I previously had with food and everything. Secondly, I’ve found this strange balance between school and life. It might be due to the fact that I only have about 2 months left but still, everything seems so much easier nowadays and despite living a normal life, I still get things done and don’t even stress about them that much. I’d say I’m getting pretty close to my ideal self. Finally.

Also I’ve begun the mental process of detaching myself from Finland. It wasn’t even a conscious decision but somehow I find myself thinking about things differently than before. I’m not chained to anything and I think I’m now just beginning to realize it. Even though, like I said, I’m in a relationship now, I still feel much freer than before. All this university stuff and graduation being just a couple of months away has made me realize just how great and big the world is. Sounds sentimental, but I’d say I’ve come to terms with everything that’s going on in my life.

Maybe all this could be expressed more simply by just saying that I’m finally happy. Yeah. That’s what it must be. This is happiness J

Kulissielämää

Päätin taas kirjoittaa suomeksi, koska pää vilisee ajatuksia, enkä saa niistä selvää oikein millään kielellä.

Mulle sanottiin hiljattain jotain, mikä on jäänyt päähän pyörimään. Meni jotakuinkin näin: ”Helppo sun on sanoa, sulla on just tollanen täydellinen elämä. Miehiä ympärillä, lahjakkuutta, itsenäinen elämä ja kaikkea muuta. Sulla on kaikkea”.

Tänään olen ollut lähes koko illan yksin kotona, joten väistämättä olen kelaillut asioita vähän liikaakin. Tuo lause erityisesti herättää aivan uskomattoman vihan ja ärtymyksen, sillä tuntuu ettei kukaan tajua, miten paljon tämän ”täydellisen elämän” ylläpito vaatii. Ja mitä siihen pääseminen on vaatinut. Ensinnäkin, mulla ei ole ikinä ollut toimivaa ja hyvää suhdetta. Pompin miehestä mieheen ilman että välitän kenestäkään tai että kukaan välittäisi musta. Nytkin tapailen erästä miestä, mutta en todellakaan tiedä, mitä siitä tulee. En ole ollenkaan varma edes omista fiiliksistäni, saati jätkän fiiliksistä. Tosi hyvä pohja rakentaa yhtään mitään.

Toiseksi, lahjakkuus ei ole mitään ilman kovaa työtä. Olen useammin kuin kerran ollut burn outin partaalla (tässä iässä!) ja stressaan joka päivä siitä, että saan parhaimmat mahdolliset arvosanat. Nukun noin 5h yössä, valvon tarvittaessa kofeiinipillerien avulla ja tarvitsen alkoholia rentoutuakseni. Tuntuu, etten ikinä ole tarpeeksi hyvä ja kun siihen yhdistetään esim. vanhempien/äidin odotukset, paineet kohoavat pilviin. Joillekin koulunkäynti on hauskaa. Minulle se on suorittamista, itsensä ja muiden ylittämistä, odotusten täyttämistä. Olen luonnostaankin ihan hyvä koulussa, mutta kun hyvä ei riitä! Pitää olla PARAS. Ihmiset eivät vaan tunnu tajuavan, miten helvetisti työtä ja stressiä se vaatii. Oletetaan, että joillain on vaan parempi tuuri tai enemmän älliä kuin toisilla. Fakta kuitenkin on, että kuka tahansa voisi olla akateemisesti samassa kuin missä minä nyt olen.

Kolmanneksi. Lähdin kotoa 16-vuotiaana. Aloitin duunin 17-vuotiaana ja olen siitä lähtien maksanut joka ikisen laskuni itse. Maksan vuokran, puhelinlaskut, nettilaskun, harrastukset, vaatteet… Ihan kaikki. Ja sekään ei ole aina helppoa, olen ollut parhaimmillaan viikon syömättä (tai siis, söin vain koulussa), koska ei ole ollut rahaa safkaan. TOSI HIENO itsenäinen elämä, kannattaa joo kadehtia. Jos voisin, muuttaisin varmaan takaisin himaan ja eläisin vanhempien rahoilla ja söisin vanhempien ruokia, koska se olisi niin paljon helpompaa. Ainut vaan, että en voi tehdä sitä. Ottaa niin paljon päähän, kun ihmiset kadehtivat jotain omillaan asumista, kun tosiasiassa antaisin mitä vain, jotta saisin ehjän perheen ja kodin, missä voisin asua vielä vaikkapa vuoden. Minulla vaan ei ole mahdollisuutta siihen. Ironic, isn’t it?

On totta, että mulla on koko ajan tietynlainen kulissi pystyssä ja pikaisesti vilkaistuna elämäni on aika kivaa. Olisin kuitenkin odottanut kaverilta kykyä nähdä sen kulissin taakse, koska luulin hänen tuntevan minut sen verran hyvin. En päästä ihmisiä lähelleni kovin helposti, mutta jos viettää paljon aikaa kanssani, olen tosi helposti luettavissa. Ja onhan se nyt selvääkin, että esim. menestys ei vaan tule ilman kovaa työtä. On väärin luulla, että olisin joku poikkeus.

Tuollaiset kommentit loukkaavat erityisen paljon, koska niistä paistaa läpi sellainen asenne, että olisin muka saanut kaiken hopealautasella. Tulee samalla sellainen olo, ettei kukaan osaa arvostaa sitä työtä, mitä olen tehnyt. Onko väärin pyytää ymmärrystä kavereilta, kykyä tajuta ettei kaikki ole niin helppoa miltä näyttää? Olen ehkä kaikille muille se täydellisen elämän omaava tyttö, mutta lähimmille kavereille haluan olla oma itseni. Onko se liikaa vaadittu?

Jumalauta että ärsyttää.

Random Quotes

Just some quotes that I found especially beautiful/touching/fitting.

“Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love.”

“But he did not understand the price. Mortals never do. They only see the prize. Their hearts desire, their dream....But the price of getting what you want is getting what you once wanted.”

-Neil Gaiman

"Some day you will look at your friend, and he will seem to you to be a little out of drawing, or you won't like his tone of colour, or something."

"The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it. Resist it, and your soul grows sick with longing for the things it has forbidden to itself, with desire for what its monstrous laws have made monstrous and unlawful."

"He covered page after page with wild words of sorrow and wilder words of pain. There is a luxury in self-reproach. When we blame ourselves, we feel that no one else has a right to blame us. It is the confession, not the priest, that gives us absolution."

"There were moments when he looked on evil simply as a mode through which he could realise his conception of the beautiful."

"Nowadays most people die of a sort of creeping common sense, and discover when it is too late that the only things one never regrets are one's mistakes."

-The Picture of Dorian Gray by Oscar Wilde

Back to Finland

Huh. Came back from Cambridge last night, I don't really know if I'm happy or sad to be back in Finland.

The interview(s) went fine, or at least I think so. It's pretty hard to tell because you never know what the interviewers are expecting. But I'm so relieved that now the whole process is over, I just have to wait until January to hear if I get an offer. If I don't, well, I guess I'm off to Warwick University then since I already have an offer from there. Though of course Cambridge is and will always be my first choice, I'd be ecstatic if I got an offer...

I have to say I absolutely loved Cambridge as a city. It was so cute and simply British. I love big cities such as London but as a place to study, Cambridge is ideal. The city centre was just the right size and London is a train ride away. I might add some photos if I have the time to upload them.

When I got back home yesterday, my best friend was here waiting for me. She just moved back to Finland and I hadn't seen her for 11 months so I was really looking forward to returning to Finland myself. When I opened the door and she was there squeezing the life out of me, I just felt... complete. It was like everything was falling to place because I've missed her so much. If soulmates exist, I'm pretty sure I've found mine in her.

To be honest, I haven't felt this happy in a long time. My life's nearly perfect, I have almost everything a girl can hope for. Of course I'm still fat and broke and don't have a boyfriend but those are all pretty small things compared to the fact that I feel happy. I got my best friend back and I have an amazing future ahead of me, everything else will follow in its due course.

Oh and I'm really looking forward to christmas holidays. It's going to be sooo relaxing, no worrying about school or anything else, just hanging out with the ones I love the most <3>

that little something

”It’s decent, but it’s not brilliant.”

That’s what my teacher said about my essay. Or actually, a collection of essays/commentaries. He said they were all lacking that something, that little something that distinguishes 7 from 5-6 (in IB 7 is the best grade you can get). I have to admit that I was at first a bit shocked, then devastated, then disappointed. I had always thought those essays were good and I was especially happy with the latest one. But apparently it just wasn’t enough.

I know I shouldn’t take it so seriously but I’m sending that latest essay to Cambridge. They don’t want decent, they want brilliant. They don’t want above average, they want the best. What if I can’t be the best, no matter how hard I try? I know it’s impossible to always be perfect but I truly thought that economics was something I was exceptionally good at. And now I find out that I’m “decent”.

I’m feeling so low at the moment. It’s like nothing I do is enough, will never be enough. There will always be someone who has that extra ‘something’ that I don’t. So what’s left? Will I be stuck as the second best for the rest of my life?

I really should start taking studies more seriously. I got an invitation to an interview at Cambridge, if they make me an offer I want to be worth it. It would suck so bad to get an offer and then not being able to meet the requirements. It’s just… Well, I want it SO bad. Oxbridge has been my dream for God knows how long, at least 5 years. Now I’m so close to getting there but also so close to screwing it up. And I don’t want to screw it up (d’uh).

I honestly don’t know what to do, how to get my life in order and everything under control. I’m at school for 8 hours every single day and most of the lessons are a complete waste of time. After school I do school work, go to the gym or to my friend’s place for a coffee. During the weekends I party and get wasted (and do nothing useful). I’m not getting anywhere right now and the stress is killing me. I don’t sleep, I drink tons of coffee, I skip school every now and then, I drink too much alcohol, eat the wrong things etc… You get the picture. Everything is just swirling in my head, a big confusing mess and I have no idea how to deal with it. I seriously need a break.

People say I’m too hard on myself but I disagree. What I want from myself is not unrealistic; other people want and expect it from me too. It’s really up to me whether I can fulfill all the expectations, whether I have it in me to push myself that one extra step. It’s just frustrating to know that I have all the potential in the world but sometimes it’s so hard to unlock it. And if I can’t unlock, I’ll be stuck at “decent” and “decent” students/people don’t get offers from Cambridge.

(Btw seems like all I ever do is complain. Maybe a change in attitude is in order, aye?)

normal vs. ideal

This is seriously getting out of hand again.

I talked to my friends a few days ago and they said they'd been really worried about me and my eating but that nowadays I'm seem so much better and looks like there's nothing to worry about. I should've been relieved and happy... Instead, I immediately started thinking: They think I eat like a normal person. They think I'm gaining weight. They think I'm fat. And maybe I AM. Maybe I'm fucking huge.

So I'm back to a strict diet. I don't want to be getting better, I don't want to eat like normal people do because the way they eat is fucking disgusting. Though I don't want my friends worrying about me either... It would be so much easier if they just kept their noses out of my life because really, the way I eat is none of their business.