Back to Finland

Huh. Came back from Cambridge last night, I don't really know if I'm happy or sad to be back in Finland.

The interview(s) went fine, or at least I think so. It's pretty hard to tell because you never know what the interviewers are expecting. But I'm so relieved that now the whole process is over, I just have to wait until January to hear if I get an offer. If I don't, well, I guess I'm off to Warwick University then since I already have an offer from there. Though of course Cambridge is and will always be my first choice, I'd be ecstatic if I got an offer...

I have to say I absolutely loved Cambridge as a city. It was so cute and simply British. I love big cities such as London but as a place to study, Cambridge is ideal. The city centre was just the right size and London is a train ride away. I might add some photos if I have the time to upload them.

When I got back home yesterday, my best friend was here waiting for me. She just moved back to Finland and I hadn't seen her for 11 months so I was really looking forward to returning to Finland myself. When I opened the door and she was there squeezing the life out of me, I just felt... complete. It was like everything was falling to place because I've missed her so much. If soulmates exist, I'm pretty sure I've found mine in her.

To be honest, I haven't felt this happy in a long time. My life's nearly perfect, I have almost everything a girl can hope for. Of course I'm still fat and broke and don't have a boyfriend but those are all pretty small things compared to the fact that I feel happy. I got my best friend back and I have an amazing future ahead of me, everything else will follow in its due course.

Oh and I'm really looking forward to christmas holidays. It's going to be sooo relaxing, no worrying about school or anything else, just hanging out with the ones I love the most <3>

that little something

”It’s decent, but it’s not brilliant.”

That’s what my teacher said about my essay. Or actually, a collection of essays/commentaries. He said they were all lacking that something, that little something that distinguishes 7 from 5-6 (in IB 7 is the best grade you can get). I have to admit that I was at first a bit shocked, then devastated, then disappointed. I had always thought those essays were good and I was especially happy with the latest one. But apparently it just wasn’t enough.

I know I shouldn’t take it so seriously but I’m sending that latest essay to Cambridge. They don’t want decent, they want brilliant. They don’t want above average, they want the best. What if I can’t be the best, no matter how hard I try? I know it’s impossible to always be perfect but I truly thought that economics was something I was exceptionally good at. And now I find out that I’m “decent”.

I’m feeling so low at the moment. It’s like nothing I do is enough, will never be enough. There will always be someone who has that extra ‘something’ that I don’t. So what’s left? Will I be stuck as the second best for the rest of my life?

I really should start taking studies more seriously. I got an invitation to an interview at Cambridge, if they make me an offer I want to be worth it. It would suck so bad to get an offer and then not being able to meet the requirements. It’s just… Well, I want it SO bad. Oxbridge has been my dream for God knows how long, at least 5 years. Now I’m so close to getting there but also so close to screwing it up. And I don’t want to screw it up (d’uh).

I honestly don’t know what to do, how to get my life in order and everything under control. I’m at school for 8 hours every single day and most of the lessons are a complete waste of time. After school I do school work, go to the gym or to my friend’s place for a coffee. During the weekends I party and get wasted (and do nothing useful). I’m not getting anywhere right now and the stress is killing me. I don’t sleep, I drink tons of coffee, I skip school every now and then, I drink too much alcohol, eat the wrong things etc… You get the picture. Everything is just swirling in my head, a big confusing mess and I have no idea how to deal with it. I seriously need a break.

People say I’m too hard on myself but I disagree. What I want from myself is not unrealistic; other people want and expect it from me too. It’s really up to me whether I can fulfill all the expectations, whether I have it in me to push myself that one extra step. It’s just frustrating to know that I have all the potential in the world but sometimes it’s so hard to unlock it. And if I can’t unlock, I’ll be stuck at “decent” and “decent” students/people don’t get offers from Cambridge.

(Btw seems like all I ever do is complain. Maybe a change in attitude is in order, aye?)

normal vs. ideal

This is seriously getting out of hand again.

I talked to my friends a few days ago and they said they'd been really worried about me and my eating but that nowadays I'm seem so much better and looks like there's nothing to worry about. I should've been relieved and happy... Instead, I immediately started thinking: They think I eat like a normal person. They think I'm gaining weight. They think I'm fat. And maybe I AM. Maybe I'm fucking huge.

So I'm back to a strict diet. I don't want to be getting better, I don't want to eat like normal people do because the way they eat is fucking disgusting. Though I don't want my friends worrying about me either... It would be so much easier if they just kept their noses out of my life because really, the way I eat is none of their business.

What is it that makes KINDNESS such a turn off? If a guy is nice, cute and kind, why is it that we women automatically build up walls against them? Then we fall for players and cry when they hurt us, swearing “never again”.

If I wanted a safe and comfortable relationship, I could probably get it now. The Blonde (lets call him that because he was blond when I first met him) is a nice guy. We get along and he’s totally crazy about me… Some might call this a perfect situation. However, like always, there’s a BUT. This time it is that there are simply no sparks. When we kiss, I don’t feel a thing. When he holds my hand, it’s like holding your friend’s hand.

Another thing is that I think I like my freedom too much right now to even consider starting a real relationship. I love hanging out with the girls, spending the perfect single girl’s life. I don’t know what I really want. And do I really even need to know if I’m happy as it is?

The end of innocence

The Ex started talking to me yesterday on facebook. It was so random. We haven't talked in about 3 months and now it was suddenly like we were good friends or something! I know exactly what he wants and what he aims at but still it kinda caught me off guard.

I don't know what to think about him. I don't think I have any feelings for him anymore but if I see him and we have fun (like we always do), I might fall for him again. I know that it's a risk I definitely shouldn't take but part of me wants to. It's the old pattern once again... I get my ass kicked by other guys, what do I do? I go back to the Ex and get my ass kicked by him. Healthy? No.

I honestly don't know what it is that makes me go back to him time and time again. He's got charisma, that's for sure, and we have a long history but you'd think I'd learned something during the years I've spent with him. You'd think I knew by now that he's sooo not good for me. Maybe I want him because we're so alike. Selfish and shrewd, that's what we are. Plus, he's leaving in 6 months. I'm leaving in 7-8 months.


I remember when we first met. It was about 2 years ago, on my balcony at my house party. He slept over and we spent the whole night just talking and laughing. If I could go back in time, I would go back to that night and the weeks that followed it. I wouldn't get so attached to him and I wouldn't be so naive. Though then again, would it change anything? Would I just be left with one great experience less?

I have to say that I don't really regret the time I spent with him. I learned a lot, mainly about how love is not all sunshine and daisies. Maybe I became even too cynical, learning to build a wall around my heart so I wouldn't get hurt again. Even if I hadn't met him, I would probably have done the same mistakes with someone else. It would've taken more time but I would have grown up all the same.

I've never been known for being cautious or for thinking things through before doing something. That might be why... well, I might be seeing him on Saturday.

G'morning

Just a quick morning update, felt like writing something...

I had about 3 hours of sleep last night, went to bed around 2am and woke up at 5am. Yet I don't feel that tired. I've had 2 cups of coffee and a caffeine pill....

We had a week off school last week, the autumn holiday, and that went by way too fast. I did some school stuff but apart from that, I just slept and partied. Not exactly as relaxing a holiday as I would've liked but who cares, I had fun. I even did something I never thought I'd do. I tried speed... I know I said earlier that I won't touch anything harder than weed but shit happens. Luckily it was from the pharmacist, some ADD-medication. I took like one fourth of a pill, sniffed it like people usually sniff cocaine and the result was merely that I had waaaay too much energy. I think I fell asleep around 10am (and I was really exhausted before that, I'd just come back from a cruise and from there went straight to a bar).

It was neither a positive or a negative experience. I'm happy that I only took so little, otherwise I'd probably still be high :D I guess that was just something I had to try sooner or later, I'm glad I did it at home with a friend rather than in a bar with a stranger or something.

Otherwise there's not really much to tell about my life. I still party too much, still have absolutely no moral and so on. I just wish I could calm down. I've reached the point where I want something solid, something real, to hold on to. I want to get my life in order but I don't know where to start... During the week it's relatively easy with school and everything but during the weekends all hell breaks loose. I always have fun but really, for how long can I keep living like this? For how long can a person just drift through life like I do?

lose-lose situation

I bit the apple. I got a taste of the bliss of being in a relationship and have been doomed ever since.

I'm usually extremely emotionally stable. I have mood swings but only those closest to me even notice them. I don't fall in love. I rarely even have a crush. I don't do all that 'he broke my heart'-stuff. Yet, these past couple of weeks have been a real emotional rollercoaster. I think I started to get attached to the Guy. Seriously. I didn't fall head over heels in love but I got attached and I was really starting to like him. BUT of course he decided to get back together with his ugly bitch of a girlfriend.

I would so like to hate him now but I just can't. I understand why he chose her. I mean, he's known her for so much longer, they have a history. I'm new in his life and even though I think he finds me refreshing and somehow 'exotic', I don't think I'm really what he's looking for. Plus, I'm leaving in less than a year and he knows that. He's even bitched about it :D We still talk almost every day, though. I was even at his place this weekend and slept in his bed, in his arms. It sucks that I KNOW he has feelings for me but of course he can't do anything about them. For me, it's a lose-lose situation because if I continue spending so much time with him, I might fall for him. And I can't get him. But if I move on, I'll be alone and left with absolutely nothing. Is it better to hold on to a friendship, hoping it'll turn into something more, or move on and risk being alone?

He said to me once that I think too much. He was right. Once again I'm confusing myself, pondering things that I really have no control over. I hate that he affects me like this. I hate that I let myself get so attached to him but I guess that's just how life is. I have to quote a text message that my best friend once sent me when I was all depressed over how my ex treated me:
"I hate that he hurts u. cause hes not worth it. hes just one of those ppl u just fuck n thats it, but u got so attached to him... n its way too easy to do so. but hey, even us players we hav our weaknesses."

That's so true, my friend is a wise little girl. Maybe I should just go back to that 'sex without feelings'-thing. It was so easy. You got laid but never had to worry about all this exhausting emotional stuff. Though then again, I don't really want to go back. I guess I've grown up too much, it just doesn't feel the same anymore. I just wish I'd get my Guy and be able to spend happy 8 months with him before I leave Finland for good.