that little something

”It’s decent, but it’s not brilliant.”

That’s what my teacher said about my essay. Or actually, a collection of essays/commentaries. He said they were all lacking that something, that little something that distinguishes 7 from 5-6 (in IB 7 is the best grade you can get). I have to admit that I was at first a bit shocked, then devastated, then disappointed. I had always thought those essays were good and I was especially happy with the latest one. But apparently it just wasn’t enough.

I know I shouldn’t take it so seriously but I’m sending that latest essay to Cambridge. They don’t want decent, they want brilliant. They don’t want above average, they want the best. What if I can’t be the best, no matter how hard I try? I know it’s impossible to always be perfect but I truly thought that economics was something I was exceptionally good at. And now I find out that I’m “decent”.

I’m feeling so low at the moment. It’s like nothing I do is enough, will never be enough. There will always be someone who has that extra ‘something’ that I don’t. So what’s left? Will I be stuck as the second best for the rest of my life?

I really should start taking studies more seriously. I got an invitation to an interview at Cambridge, if they make me an offer I want to be worth it. It would suck so bad to get an offer and then not being able to meet the requirements. It’s just… Well, I want it SO bad. Oxbridge has been my dream for God knows how long, at least 5 years. Now I’m so close to getting there but also so close to screwing it up. And I don’t want to screw it up (d’uh).

I honestly don’t know what to do, how to get my life in order and everything under control. I’m at school for 8 hours every single day and most of the lessons are a complete waste of time. After school I do school work, go to the gym or to my friend’s place for a coffee. During the weekends I party and get wasted (and do nothing useful). I’m not getting anywhere right now and the stress is killing me. I don’t sleep, I drink tons of coffee, I skip school every now and then, I drink too much alcohol, eat the wrong things etc… You get the picture. Everything is just swirling in my head, a big confusing mess and I have no idea how to deal with it. I seriously need a break.

People say I’m too hard on myself but I disagree. What I want from myself is not unrealistic; other people want and expect it from me too. It’s really up to me whether I can fulfill all the expectations, whether I have it in me to push myself that one extra step. It’s just frustrating to know that I have all the potential in the world but sometimes it’s so hard to unlock it. And if I can’t unlock, I’ll be stuck at “decent” and “decent” students/people don’t get offers from Cambridge.

(Btw seems like all I ever do is complain. Maybe a change in attitude is in order, aye?)

normal vs. ideal

This is seriously getting out of hand again.

I talked to my friends a few days ago and they said they'd been really worried about me and my eating but that nowadays I'm seem so much better and looks like there's nothing to worry about. I should've been relieved and happy... Instead, I immediately started thinking: They think I eat like a normal person. They think I'm gaining weight. They think I'm fat. And maybe I AM. Maybe I'm fucking huge.

So I'm back to a strict diet. I don't want to be getting better, I don't want to eat like normal people do because the way they eat is fucking disgusting. Though I don't want my friends worrying about me either... It would be so much easier if they just kept their noses out of my life because really, the way I eat is none of their business.

What is it that makes KINDNESS such a turn off? If a guy is nice, cute and kind, why is it that we women automatically build up walls against them? Then we fall for players and cry when they hurt us, swearing “never again”.

If I wanted a safe and comfortable relationship, I could probably get it now. The Blonde (lets call him that because he was blond when I first met him) is a nice guy. We get along and he’s totally crazy about me… Some might call this a perfect situation. However, like always, there’s a BUT. This time it is that there are simply no sparks. When we kiss, I don’t feel a thing. When he holds my hand, it’s like holding your friend’s hand.

Another thing is that I think I like my freedom too much right now to even consider starting a real relationship. I love hanging out with the girls, spending the perfect single girl’s life. I don’t know what I really want. And do I really even need to know if I’m happy as it is?

The end of innocence

The Ex started talking to me yesterday on facebook. It was so random. We haven't talked in about 3 months and now it was suddenly like we were good friends or something! I know exactly what he wants and what he aims at but still it kinda caught me off guard.

I don't know what to think about him. I don't think I have any feelings for him anymore but if I see him and we have fun (like we always do), I might fall for him again. I know that it's a risk I definitely shouldn't take but part of me wants to. It's the old pattern once again... I get my ass kicked by other guys, what do I do? I go back to the Ex and get my ass kicked by him. Healthy? No.

I honestly don't know what it is that makes me go back to him time and time again. He's got charisma, that's for sure, and we have a long history but you'd think I'd learned something during the years I've spent with him. You'd think I knew by now that he's sooo not good for me. Maybe I want him because we're so alike. Selfish and shrewd, that's what we are. Plus, he's leaving in 6 months. I'm leaving in 7-8 months.


I remember when we first met. It was about 2 years ago, on my balcony at my house party. He slept over and we spent the whole night just talking and laughing. If I could go back in time, I would go back to that night and the weeks that followed it. I wouldn't get so attached to him and I wouldn't be so naive. Though then again, would it change anything? Would I just be left with one great experience less?

I have to say that I don't really regret the time I spent with him. I learned a lot, mainly about how love is not all sunshine and daisies. Maybe I became even too cynical, learning to build a wall around my heart so I wouldn't get hurt again. Even if I hadn't met him, I would probably have done the same mistakes with someone else. It would've taken more time but I would have grown up all the same.

I've never been known for being cautious or for thinking things through before doing something. That might be why... well, I might be seeing him on Saturday.

G'morning

Just a quick morning update, felt like writing something...

I had about 3 hours of sleep last night, went to bed around 2am and woke up at 5am. Yet I don't feel that tired. I've had 2 cups of coffee and a caffeine pill....

We had a week off school last week, the autumn holiday, and that went by way too fast. I did some school stuff but apart from that, I just slept and partied. Not exactly as relaxing a holiday as I would've liked but who cares, I had fun. I even did something I never thought I'd do. I tried speed... I know I said earlier that I won't touch anything harder than weed but shit happens. Luckily it was from the pharmacist, some ADD-medication. I took like one fourth of a pill, sniffed it like people usually sniff cocaine and the result was merely that I had waaaay too much energy. I think I fell asleep around 10am (and I was really exhausted before that, I'd just come back from a cruise and from there went straight to a bar).

It was neither a positive or a negative experience. I'm happy that I only took so little, otherwise I'd probably still be high :D I guess that was just something I had to try sooner or later, I'm glad I did it at home with a friend rather than in a bar with a stranger or something.

Otherwise there's not really much to tell about my life. I still party too much, still have absolutely no moral and so on. I just wish I could calm down. I've reached the point where I want something solid, something real, to hold on to. I want to get my life in order but I don't know where to start... During the week it's relatively easy with school and everything but during the weekends all hell breaks loose. I always have fun but really, for how long can I keep living like this? For how long can a person just drift through life like I do?

lose-lose situation

I bit the apple. I got a taste of the bliss of being in a relationship and have been doomed ever since.

I'm usually extremely emotionally stable. I have mood swings but only those closest to me even notice them. I don't fall in love. I rarely even have a crush. I don't do all that 'he broke my heart'-stuff. Yet, these past couple of weeks have been a real emotional rollercoaster. I think I started to get attached to the Guy. Seriously. I didn't fall head over heels in love but I got attached and I was really starting to like him. BUT of course he decided to get back together with his ugly bitch of a girlfriend.

I would so like to hate him now but I just can't. I understand why he chose her. I mean, he's known her for so much longer, they have a history. I'm new in his life and even though I think he finds me refreshing and somehow 'exotic', I don't think I'm really what he's looking for. Plus, I'm leaving in less than a year and he knows that. He's even bitched about it :D We still talk almost every day, though. I was even at his place this weekend and slept in his bed, in his arms. It sucks that I KNOW he has feelings for me but of course he can't do anything about them. For me, it's a lose-lose situation because if I continue spending so much time with him, I might fall for him. And I can't get him. But if I move on, I'll be alone and left with absolutely nothing. Is it better to hold on to a friendship, hoping it'll turn into something more, or move on and risk being alone?

He said to me once that I think too much. He was right. Once again I'm confusing myself, pondering things that I really have no control over. I hate that he affects me like this. I hate that I let myself get so attached to him but I guess that's just how life is. I have to quote a text message that my best friend once sent me when I was all depressed over how my ex treated me:
"I hate that he hurts u. cause hes not worth it. hes just one of those ppl u just fuck n thats it, but u got so attached to him... n its way too easy to do so. but hey, even us players we hav our weaknesses."

That's so true, my friend is a wise little girl. Maybe I should just go back to that 'sex without feelings'-thing. It was so easy. You got laid but never had to worry about all this exhausting emotional stuff. Though then again, I don't really want to go back. I guess I've grown up too much, it just doesn't feel the same anymore. I just wish I'd get my Guy and be able to spend happy 8 months with him before I leave Finland for good.

the Guy and my black eye

My weekend has so far been pretty wild… I was in Helsinki, we stayed in a hotel with this guy, met up with people we hadn’t met before, partied like hell and had an awesome time.

I don’t really know what to think about the Guy (I’ll call him that for now). He’s nice, funny, ok-looking and everything and last night we sort of had sex. Or rather tried to. It didn’t really work out because I hit my head to a lamp and now I have a black eye and a wound next to my left eye. It bled like crazy, the sheets were spotted with blood and the towels I used to stop the bleeding were a bloody mess!

I’m never drinking again because it seems that something always happens to me. Things just have a tendency of getting out of hand and I always end up injured one way or another. Lol, it sucks so bad.

But yeah, back to the Guy. We had so much fun and he told me he really liked me and all. I don’t know what to think about it. Am I ready for something serious? Am I ready to take the risks I talked about earlier? As you can see, I’m stuck pondering the same questions again and again. Now I feel like I want to give him a chance. It’s not every day that I find myself liking someone this much.

I’m just afraid that I’ll end up getting hurt. I’ve had such bad experiences with relationships that I’m almost 100% sure that something will go wrong and it won’t work out and I’ll be left with my heart broken (oh my god how sentimental I sound right now!) once again. But I guess the only way to find out is to take the risk and you never know, it might all turn out great.

I hate this waiting-part. Waiting for him to call/text, waiting for him to say something that might give me some idea of what he’s thinking… I know I should just call or text him myself but I have to admit: I’m a coward when it comes to this sort of stuff. One night stands, friendships, dealing with people I don’t like – a piece of cake. When I actually like someone, it’s so different because I’m not used to it. I’ve never been tamed, so to speak, so I don’t know how it happens.

I’m not even thinking about other guys right now. Usually I at least keep my eyes open and so forth but now I just think about him and it’s so weird.

But ok, enough about my love life. I’m just making it too complicated by thinking about it too much.

My eating has taken a turn for worse once again. I skip meals, make up excuses so I don’t have to eat, I panic if my calories go over 1300kcal. It’s sick, I know, and it shouldn’t be like that but I can’t help it. I can’t even say that I got too much time on my hands like I did during the summer. I’m really busy with everything but yet I always make time to calculate exactly what and how much I’ve eaten. My weight has dropped a bit which is great. I was even wearing this little “top” (or actually it’s more like a bra) yesterday and walking around in it and sweat pants because for once I felt like I can show off my stomach. The Guy was even stroking it this morning and I didn’t even mind or feel fat. Still I want and I need to lose some more weight.